[Mama Char-Lee]

2 weeks ago, I was having a major conniption at work. Since I work in the newspaper business (I do all the layouts for 4 local newspapers), it's a stressful environment and it was my best friend (who was also my supervisor)'s last day there. She got to move on to greener pastures, leaving me to take on the majority of the work. She kept attempting to explain the different jobs I'd have to do, but after a while, it was like listening to Charlie Brown's parents talking.

I got up and left the room to go have a smoke out back to cool off before I had a meltdown. In my frustration, I keep a notebook to doodle on, it keeps my hands busy and my mind occupied with the tiny details. I dropped my cigarette on my arm and it hurt like a beeyotch, but...for that split second...I felt NOTHING. I blew on the little blister and turned my arm over, thinking about it. It was nice to feel NOTHING, even if it hurt. (Makes absolutely no sense, I know). So what does this idiot do? Puts the cigarette out on the other side of my arm. I have a lovely crater that got infected, and it's definitely going to scar.

I did it a few times more on the same exact spot; there isno point in playing connect-the-burns on my arms. The therapist tried explaining it to me, why people cut and burn or punch brick walls, but I still don't understand it. I stopped doing it after I told my husband and things went nuclear between us.

I don't think our relationship is going to last. It'll be 16 years together this year, and he's still the same bully he was in high school. He has zero empathy for anyone, no understanding, and he thinks I'm being "selfish" and looking for attention. Of course, he hasn't said it out loud to me --- he told those exact words to our son, who's having problems with his own little girlfriend. (She's 14 and tried to hang herself. She's OK now, but still). My son didn't deserve that, and when I heard it for myself, I knew my husband wasn't referring to our son's little girlfriend. It was a passive-aggressive jab at me.

I never thought about cutting or burning myself before. Personally, I hate getting burned, but for those few seconds, there was nothing, and I've never quite realized it before. It's tempting to do it again, but I won't. I have enough scars as it is.

[ThisWayOut]

That feeling can be quite alluring. Especially when you're head is spinning out of control and you need a breather. If i could give anyone some advice, it would be to never pick this habit up in the first place...
I'm sorry things are not going well with your husband. I can't imagine being in an unsupportive relationship through all this. (Hugs) I hope you can stay safe and not pick up self harm as a regular release. It does feel good to not feel in the moment, but the consequences can bring about a ****-ton of guilt and problems. And good luck at all the new responsibilities at work. Sometimes it can be daunting, but it sounds like you can do it

[Sam2]

I'm sorry you stumbled onto that knowledge. It can be a very difficult habit to break. In fact, it can take over your whole waking life. Fight the urges with everything you have. its not easy, but it will get harder the longer it goes on.

Sam2