[Ryan56]

I am in the middle of a breakdown and my voices and hallucinations are really bad. I have already taken the max of my anxiety meds and had nothing left. Everyone was screaming so loud I had to hold my head. Just uncontrollable orders to kill myself. I don't want to die but when they get this loud only pain makes them stop. I burned up both my wrists and they are now cleaned and bandaged. But I don't know how to explain this to my boyfriend. This kind of thing really upsets him. The commands have stopped but the breakdown is still going. I know I should not use this to control my voices but I have never found anything else. Tried the rubber band trick but it doesn't work. Only cuts or burns make them all go quiet. Dunno what to do to stop. Been this way since I was a teen even with therapy. Does anybody else struggle with self harm during psychosis?

[grey_aj]

I have never experienced psychosis, but you should be getting professional help. Are you? Does your bf know that you are not really the one in control during psychosis?

- AJ

[Ryan56]

I have a medical team but they are all gone for the holiday. The on calls cannot do anything other than request I have myself put into a hospital psych ward which I have no coverage for.

Guess it is more peer support I am hoping for rather than advice. Just really trying to hang in there.

[ThisWayOut]

I don't do it to try to relieve psychosis, but more urges and "abuse voices" (as one therapist calls it), so I'm not sure if this would help, but could you try taking back to the voices? My ex-mother in law (a psychiatrist) believed that psychosis was just another form of abuse voices that we just internalized and experienced differently. I'm not sure of her success in treating her clients, as we did not get along well, but i can see where that they makes sense... can you write to them or draw out responses to what they are telling you? I have had that work for me a few times when the flashbacks got too bad. I know it's not the same, but I'm just trying to think of other things that may help. You may have heard this all before... (hugs) does asking your bf for support or having him talk back to the voices help? I know if i had the courage to ask, support from my wife would help during intense urges.
Holiday weekends suck when it means your professional support team is unavailable. I was discharged from the hospital on Friday and missed seeing my therapist by half an hour. It was really frustrating as i could use the extra support... Do you have a safety plan in place? I'm sorry you are having a tough time right now. I hope you can find something to help you through all this safely. I know it sucks and is ready not helpful for anything other than physical safety and meds, but would the hospital be a viable option if things get bad again? I have no insurance at all, but they have grants to help pay for my stay. Could you utilize that if needed?

[-Astral-]

I hear voices and i cut
I find that if am stressed the voices are more loud and graphic
there persistent i end up cutting
The only way i have stopped cutting is to get my husband to lock the tools i use away
i don't go out on my own because of social anxiety so i cant go and buy more

[IntricateSunlight]

I used to self harm. I've been clean for about 2-3 years now with very rare occurrences few and far between. I still get the urge from time to time, its very daunting and overwhelming it can get so bad that I literally writhe with agony. I'm not sure exactly how to explain it other than it being some sort of overwhelming compulsion that caused me a lot of distress and anxiety. I don't recall any voices, but then again my memory can sometimes be fairly hazy though I doubt my episodes are exactly psychotic. I'm not exactly sure. The rubber band trick isn't always as useful when it comes to overwhelming urges. Maybe you can try to distract yourself from the urge somehow, such as listen to music. It can sometimes help to draw you attention away from the powerful urges. It doesn't always work to simply distract yourself though.

If I may ask, what do you use to harm yourself with? You can try to hide those things from yourself at some point, or have someone take them and put them somewhere where you can't get to them.

I hope I could help in some way.

[Ryan56]

I used to cut but I don't anymore. I have not done self harm in nearly two years. I turned to burning because it leaves less of a scar for people to see. All the cuts from slitting my wrists are still visible and embarrassing. Yesterday I burned up my wrists and the voises stopped screaming. Yeah the rubber band never works anymore. I still get overwhelming urges to cut but I force myself not to. The burning is harder to ignore.

Thanks for all the support btw.

Right now I am just hanging in there. Want to burn more but not letting myself.

[a bland]

I know exactly what ur going through. The voices and visions get really extreme sometimes and they tell me to hurt and kill myself and I don't want to die but they won't stop until I've hurt myself in some way. If I don't do it then they will and it hurts a lot less when I do it. Plus they take it so far that I think they'll end up killing me. When they torture me my body goes into shock and I can't move so they continue and there's nothing I can do about it.

[Ryan56]

Yeah the psychosis seems to have subsided (we will see) so I am going back to work this morning. Checked under the bandages and it looks like it is going to scar but at least the voises have stopped. Going to see how I do today.