Rock Bottom (triggering)

I think tonight I finally reached rock bottom. I've spent the entire night smoking, drinking by myself and cutting. My entire arm is cut and they're all the deepest I've ever gone. Right now, I honestly feel like checking out.
29th of August is when I decided on doing it a year ago, and right now I feel like everything is crashing down on me. I think I hit a vein this afternoon and I currently have a pool of blood sitting in my bathroom waiting for me to clean it up.
I just feel so ****ing **** tonight. I'm currently drunk, bloody and lying in bed. I am deferring from university and I'm seeing my pdoc on Wednesday and I'm going to talk about maybe going to an inpatient program for bipolar/ suicidal people.
I can't possibly think of any reasons to go on anymore, so I think it's really time to go somewhere. I'm really nervous but i think it's the right thing to do right now.

Sounds like you're making exactly the right decision!. Maybe you could bring your appointment forward from Wednesday- ask for an emergency appointment.
Though hang on in there, if you've got strategies you've used before to stop cutting could you lean on these. Although drinking can be a way of blotting out things and making things seem a little better it does leave you vulnerable and maybe more likely to self harm (sorry you probably know this) but if you can replace it with something? Go out? Go for a walk?.
But get all the help you can, as you know cutting can be an addiction and hard to stop. Best wishes.

You know you need help, which, to me, means that your over riding urge is to survive. I know where you are coming from. I was a cutter for almost four decades. I can remember being in the basement after cutting a foot vein, hearing my brother come in the house and racing around trying to clean up the blood while more just kept coming out.

School can be a real trigger if you feel like there is a lot of stress. At the risk of telling you things you've heard a million times before, both smoking and drinking can effect your ability to clot. Not a good combination for someone who cuts.

There is hope. You can stop. I stopped two years ago and though I've thought about it in times of great stress, have not gone back to it. Sometimes it just has to be "your time" before you are successful. Know that everyone who has read this will be thinking of you and hoping that you find the strength to make that the last time. We carry scars, but they are scars of war. War that we eventually win.

Sam2

((hugs)) hoping today was better...