sudden switch

I'm not sure what happened, but I went from zero to bat-**** crazy in 2 seconds flat earlier tonight. I was ok all day, I would even go so far as to say I had a good day (though I felt like bawling my eyes out for no discernible reason all day, but I wasn't attaching it to any emotion, so the day was pretty good). Then as I was putting the dishes away, I suddenly wanted to use the knives on myself and shatter every plate in the dishwasher. It lasted only a few minutes, but it was so intense and so sudden... and it seemingly came out of nowhere. I'm glad my wife was there and put the sharps away for me without really asking why. And she left me to go work on art with music screaming in my ears... I just can't connect any triggers. Kitchen knives are not normally anything I have issues with. It just seems like my brain can't handle "happy" so it has to slam me down hard and fast.

Rain,
sometimes the things that bother us most, or small things we seem to forget have a way of building up over time. Eventually, something gives and you lose all your self control. There was probably a trigger in there somewhere, but it may have flashed by so quickly that you can't recall it.

Those sudden outcroppings of violence are very difficult to avoid. You don't feel them coming, and many times they happen when everything seems to be stable. When they do happen, if something sharp is around, the interval between the outburst and injury is over in a matter of seconds. They leave you wondering why it happened and where it came from. Usually you never find out. It seems to be part of the disease though. If you want to call it a disease. I know its happened to me many times and afterwards I had trouble recalling the harming incident let alone the reason for doing it. I wish I could tell you how to avoid the episodes, but I don't have any answers there.

Just realize that you aren't alone in that sort of behavior. It doesn't mean that you went back to square one. It just means you made a mistake. Don't let one mistake overshadow progress you have made in your life. Its just not worth it.

Sam2