[ThisWayOut]

I wish it wasn't so strong... I wish I could do it without getting in trouble. I wish... ugh! I wish it wasn't like this horribly addictive drug. One slip, and it invades my brain like a virus, spreading hard and fast. It's all I want and I push the limits of safety with it. The more I do it, the more I think I can do it without managing to cross the line. But I'm afraid I will always cross the line into needing more and more until it's too dangerous to do. And no one gets it. They just want to take it away from me. They want to take all my escapes away from me. If I could live in a void where I get to self-harm without anyone finding out or stopping me, I would do it. I would drop the rest of my life for it, it's that bad of a drug. And it's instantly addicting.

[ThisWayOut]

So... is it fair of me to keep going to therapy if I don't want to give up the self-harm? There are other things I want to work on, but I don't want to deal with finding a new coping strategy and giving this up. Its a struggle I go through every so often, and I feel like it's unfair to my therapist. I want to deal with the abuse and assault history, as well as my self-esteem, but I no longer want to work specifically on the self harm. I think it will resolve itself with the other stuff, or not, but I'm tired of fighting it and feeling guilty about it. Is this something I should bring up to him? I feel like a hypocrite going in and taking up so much of his time with no real desire to change this part of myself right now. And I'm sure that frustrates the hell out of him... it's it fair to ask him to change focus? Or should I just give up therapy?

I've been thinking something similar. I don't think giving up therapy is the answer. I wish I knew the answer. I'm sorry you're struggling.

[mazing]

I would really try to talk to your therapist about what is going on and how you are feeling. He may be a bit concerned and want to discuss the reasons for change of focus but most therapists will allow that, as long as you are still working on some of the reasons you are in therapy. Sometimes a change of focus can be good, especially if there are other concerns that are more of a priority for you.