[monkeybruv]

I've had trouble with self-harm for about 6 years now, and every time I try to stop I always have to find something to fill the gap. The first time my Mum found out, I was checked constantly for wounds and had to go cold turkey, so I rebelled by doing anything dangerous or painful I could think of, including sleeping with someone I wasn't attracted to for that reason alone (and that they were someone I really should have stayed away from). I'm really not sure if I was better off just cutting. Now I have a boyfriend who is very sensitive about people 'going off the rails', due to his ex, and also obviously about me hurting myself. I can get away occasionally with burning myself with wax or punching myself but I haven't cut in a while. This should feel like success but honestly I'm a whole lot worse at coping with stuff now. I can't get anything done, I at first would cry every day but now I'm just blank and nothing with no energy and I sleep sooo much, I'm not self-harming but I'm not doing anything. I also imagine self-harming pretty much all day, sometimes if I'm feeling particularly ashamed of or angry with my self and I'm alone I'll screw up my face and mime slashing my arms, like a crazy person. I've also thought a lot more seriously about suicide since stopping and have started the process only to be stopped by my boyfriend twice in the last few months. I'm aware it's probably because I haven't learned any new coping strategies yet, but I've been on the waiting list for CBT for a year and will be for at least another 2 months and I just don't know how to cope until then. I have 2 deferred essays to complete by August and no matter how long I sit there staring at my laptop screen, they're not getting done...I'm beginning to wonder if I can excuse myself for cutting, just until my life is sorted out? I feel like it was my way of spurring myself on without it, and tbh passing Uni is a lot more important to me than whether or not i have a few more scars.

[ThisWayOut]

it's really difficult to give up your main coping strategy if you have nothing to take it's place. Is there anything else that brings you relief? I've found art helps me express things I need to get out. And if I am not happy with my art skills at the moment, I collage. Mostly those are words that somehow express what I can't/wont express at the time. Music also helps me, as does getting out into nature. Screaming into a pillow can help I've heard (though never really tried it). I also like the sound of shattering things, so I picked up a pair of kids toy hands that make a shattering/crashing noise when you shake them or hit something with them.
Is there anyone else you can reach out to while you wait for the cbt? Sometimes talking can help.
((hugs)) hang in there.

[monkeybruv]

Thanks for the advice and ((hugs)) ...I guess I could try the screaming thing if the pillow muffles it enough. And I have trashed my room a few times recently which was strangely satisfying (until it came to having to tidy it or live in a depressing 'pigsty') but I guess better than making new scars...the only problem is that now I'm back home from uni, there's my Mum and brother to think of and I don't know if these things will really be appropriate :/ I have a doctor but it'll be different to the ones that I've had at uni...I guess I could do more mindfulness. There's just nothing that seems to satisfy the 'self-destruction' urge, but I guess destroying inanimate objects is the next best thing.