[whenwillitend]

i haven't cut since February. but i'm slipping, sliding back, deeper into the depression again, and i want to cut myself so bad. i dream about it at night. i look at the huge scars on my wrists, the marks from the sutures and the staples. and i want to do it again. so bad. i want to cut my arms in half basically. the urge is so incredibly strong. i even bought something to cut with. carry them with me wherever i go.

the only thing holding me back is my kids. it's summer, which means short sleeves, and my ten year old has started asking questions about my scars. i can only cut on my arms/wrists, i tried other places that are easier to hide, but it doesn't work. as in, it's just not the same, it's not the same relief i get from my arms.

but i don't know how much longer i can fight it. it is constantly on my mind. not just thoughts, but pictures.

it's so hard.

[kaliope]

whenwillitend
please throw out what you bought to cut. make it that much harder to follow thru. im not going to guilt you with your kids, im just going to ask you to make it harder on yourself to do it by throwing it away. you've come up with all the reasons you don't want to and so far that has been working, but you have made it easy by having something to cut with. make it harder by getting rid of it. cause you know you don't want to for all the reasons you cited and you posted. so if you don't have something to cut with, you cant cut. so please get rid of it. take care of you.

[whenwillitend]

i cant.i cant bring myself to get rid of them. i really want to use them.

i'm in a dark place tonight.