[AnnaBegins]

I did it again over the weekend...felt completely numb when I was doing it, no emotional outbursts or anything other than a cold, clinical feeling of detachment. The emotions are coming now, well after the fact. I just saw my T and saw the look of disgust in his eyes when I told him what I had done and now I'm home and I can't stop crying. I think he's mad at me and I understand...I deserve it...I messed up. I just want to run away, escape the feelings, go someplace where I can't feel anything. I'll give up any fleeting moments of happiness I may experience not to feel this crushing sadness, this fear, this sense that all I do is make people angry or disappointed in me.

I really wish I didn't exist...and the urge to punish myself for SIing by SIing is really strong. How do I punish myself in a way that doesn't do so much damage or make me so angry at myself afterward?

[jadedbutterfly]

so sorry that your T reacted that way "saw the look of disgust in his eyes"
you shouldn't have to feel judge by your T.... ((HUGS))

[kaliope]

what you need to do for yourself is to have compassion, love that person that is hurting so badly that they feel the need to punish themselves. imagine yourself as a small child and say all the things you would to nurture a small child and make her feel whole again. you are needing care and compassion, not harm.

[AnnaBegins]

I don't really know how to love myself - don't think I'm worth it. Punishing myself is the only thing that really rings true to me as the right thing to do.

I just saw my T and saw the look of disgust in his eyes when I told him what I had done and now I'm home and I can't stop crying. I think he's mad at me and I understand...I deserve it...I messed up.

T's are not there to judge. If you can somehow broach the subject and explain how you felt towards his reaction i think you'd be giving yourself the best chance to move on from the incident and possibly better the relationship with your T.

The good T's out there are honest yet sensitive to the situation. If you have the option of switching to another T then that might be a good idea if things don't improve but i always find it's better to try and tackle any communication issues you're having with someone you're more familiar with then changing to someone you may well have the same problem with all over again. Just a thought.

I just want to run away, escape the feelings, go someplace where I can't feel anything.

I often feel like this so i understand. Practically speaking, where is there to go? I think instead of trying to escape the feelings could you explore with your T some healthier ways of coping with overwhelming emotions as and when they happen? That way i think you'll be able to appreciate the better times more and cope through the worse times with fewer repercussions.

I don't fully know your circumstances but you owe it to yourself to get the most you possibly can from therapy. You recognize things aren't going well in that respect and you want things to change which is a positive sign. I think the more open you can be towards them and any practical solutions they can offer (including stuff like workbooks and other self help tools), your chances for recovery are greater. I hope i've been supportive, all the best.