[grey_aj]

The last time I cut was last September, almost a year ago. Part of me is proud of that, and part of me is wondering if I should even be proud of not doing something that I shouldn't have ever started in the first place...

But anyways. It's September again, and my emotions are starting to get a little whacked out and all over the place even though I think I'm doing fine right now. At least, I feel like everything is fine-ish, but sometimes my mind wanders off and I completely space out and start thinking about SI. It has happened a few times already this week.

I don't know if it's because it's the same time of year again, and my feelings from when I last harmed are coming back again without me even realizing it? Is it possible to have unconscious triggers, just little things like the weather, or what month it is? When I step outside and feel the growing autumn chill, I feel like it's hitting me all over again, and I don't know what to do. I just want to focus on the important things and not screw them up and I can't do that if random thoughts are popping into my head.

Thanks for reading.

- AJ

[jadedbutterfly]

Originally Posted by ajbpdljhsk

Is it possible to have unconscious triggers, just little things like the weather, or what month it is? When I step outside and feel the growing autumn chill, I feel like it's hitting me all over again, and I don't know what to do. I just want to focus on the important things and not screw them up and I can't do that if random thoughts are popping into my head

....................................
From my experience there is definitely a link with the anniversary of the time of year you quit a destructive behavior and the strong desire to pick it up/do it again.
I would suggest using grounding techniques... like saying/writing things to remind yourself that it is today, not last year/month etc.... I don't need/wantto do that again... I have better ways to cope now.
Things that will snap you back into today and to stop you from ruminating / romanticizing about the old coping behavior.

[stainedglassheart]

I think it is possible to have unconscious triggers, things that happen that make us think of or feel like self harming. Unfortunately they can catch us off guard. I think you should be proud for going that long without self harming. I've been having a very hard time with it lately and that gives me hope that maybe I could do that.

[grey_aj]

Jadedbutterfly, that is exactly what I'm doing right now, "romanticizing". That words sums it all up.

Stainedglassheart, I believe you can do it! It's just that I feel pathetic for feeling proud. I have not SI-ed in a while. I don't think that's very worth being proud of. Why should I be proud of just being how I'm supposed to be? Why should I be proud of simply not doing a bad thing? Anyways, those are just the thoughts going on in my head right now.

Another thing I've noticed for a while is that whenever I think about SI, like seriously think about it, I get these chills. Literal chills through my body, even if the room is burning hot. Does this happen to anyone else?

- AJ