[ForeverOutcast]

I have never been able to tell any one about my self injury habits. Though compared to how often and more violent they use to be some years ago, they still happen. I feel ashamed every time I do it but always remind myself that no one will notice. No one will care.

I don't cut myself. I actually have a fear of knives and razor blades. Holding one near my skin scares me. I can feel myself go into a panic attack when there's one just to close to me in ether mine or some one else hands. It developed after I attempted suicide a couple years ago with a knife. (Not trying to making this about suicide or anything. Just trying to explain it.)

Instead of cutting I hit myself. Over and over and over. I do it when I'm going through a panic attack or when I start to cry about something. I hate crying. I leave bruises on my legs usually. I got real good at covering them with make up. I could at the very least make them not look so bad. People know how clumsy I am and usually just take the bruises as me being my usually clumsy self. Sometimes they would be so bad though I had to cover them. I don't mind half the time. I kinda like getting to wear my long skirts and dresses. The only time I'm happy looking at my legs is when the wind makes the ends of my skirt twirl around and dance in it. With out that they just tend to be and ugly reminder of how messed up I really am.

Whenever I try to talk about this with some one they just ask "Do you cut yourself?" I always tell them no then they just act a little revealed and seem to think that means I don't self harm. The fact that I don't cut as self harm actually angers me sometimes. At lease some people notice when they see their scares. I feel like no one will ever believe me and if I was to tell them they think I just want attention. But you know what? I do! I feel all alone in this world and just need some one by my side to tell me it's gonna be okay and that I can make it through this. I need help but I'm to scared to ask. I've already been judge by enough people. So I've always just taken care of myself.

Looking back and reading this now I debate whether I should really post this. But I want to let this out some how, among people I hope wont judge me as bad as others would and maybe even understand. Just been holding this in to long. Feels kinda nice to type it out actually.

Let's be honest - some people *do* use self harm as an attention seeking thing. Maybe as a cry for help, maybe just to spice-up their lives.

Only YOU know if this is you (personally I do not think so).

That being said - Do you want to stop it? If so, then I think you will have to see a councilor and maybe do DBT therapy.

does your SH give you relief? Personally I do not think of bruising as SH (yes, I do that too). My therapist disagrees. I guess in the strictest sense of the term - it is SH. I just do not view it as a big deal (not to deminsh what you are doing).

Sorry for the rambling response. I guess in the end I say if you want to stop it - then talk to a therapist. If you have it under control - then I think you are okay. But do not allow it to get worse.

[ForeverOutcast]

For the most part it's not as bad as it was a couple years ago. Sometimes it's really not that bad just some bruising but I've had it where I've left large lumps on my legs. At times it made it hard to sit down even. How bad it is depends on how bad I feel. Sometimes I just don't realize how hard I'm hitting or how many times. Goes into a blur I guess would be the way to put it.
I have been hitting less and less though. Now I tend to do it only once or twice a month when it uses to be almost daily. But I haven't ever seen therapy of any kind.. I only have a couple months till i'm legally an adult and my dad doesn't want to pay for one because he doesn't think I have any issues. So I'm basically waiting till I can make the decision myself.
And I ramble all the time too so I don't mind.
It does give some relief but guilt always follows and I do whatever I can to hide it from others.

You must have a hellofa punch (backs away from this person)



Sorry you dad does not realize your pain. And I am happy for you that it is reducing in volume.

I do not know what else to say other than - please hang in there.

[IGotThis]

You mentioned something that I definitely connect to... I hate when people ask if you cut, and just because the answer is no, they assume that means si isn't on the table, or isn't as big of a deal... Before I started cutting up my hands, I would burn myself, and people just assume it wasn't as bad because of it... Unfortunately, I kind of gave into and started cutting, but even now, it's so common, people still kind of blow it off because I don't do it with suicidal intentions... It still matters, and it still sucks...