Suicidal feelings

I'm safe now though I'm not much happier.

I'm new here but I'm glad you're still around too! I've struggled with suicidal thoughts since I was 7. Made my first attempt at 14 and it's a miracle I'm still here as many times as I've tried it and should by all accounts be dead. I will always have the suicides, they're stuck to me like skin; I wear them like a heavy coat when I'm down and, when I'm up or normal, they're still there in the back of my mind... whispering. Sometimes, they're action-able thoughts, I mean I actually WANT SO BADLY to do it. Other times, they're just habitual thoughts or intrusive thoughts or an expression of a need to escape whatever situation I'm in that I just can't handle for whatever reason. What I do is I make a deal with myself. If I can go 30 days and, for every second of every single one of those days, nothing makes me happy, nothing makes me smile, nothing makes me feel any emotion or empathy or hope for myself or for another person, if I can go 30 days and the suicides don't leave, then I made a deal with myself that I can do it. But you know what? Since I came up with that deal 8 years ago (and I have suicidal thinking daily don't forget) NOT ONCE in 8 years have I been able to keep that deal!!! Because, inevitably, something is going to happen during that 30 days that makes me smile, makes me laugh (even if I don't want it to), makes me appreciate being here even for just a second. And, even if it's just for a second, that breaks the deal and the 30 day clock has to reset. I don't know if that information is helpful to you or not. That's just what I do. Again, I'm glad you're still around. You'll appreciate being here one day soon, even if the suicides are just gonna come back again...

Feeling really bad again today

I'm really on edge tonight. I want to hurt me

((((hugs))))

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I don't know you, but I hope you're okay. I was feeling that way this weekend and only hurt myself a little. It's been a rough one. Pm me if you want to chat.

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