And again...(trigger)

I cut again today, and yesterday, and will probably cut more tonight, i'm spinning out of control, and I can't stop it. my mom was in the hospital today, she was gonna stay, but came home instead, not real sure if that is good or bad yet. but it was really worrying me, cause my dad called me at school and told me that my mom was being admitted, so i left my last class early (by an hour) to get home sooner. Anyway, I have a crap load of homework to do over the weekend. I work tomorrow, and am gonna try really hard to get a good portion of my homework out of the way then, because that way i won't have to worry about it later, we'll see how well that works. anyhow, i've just had a really crappy week, and it's not getting better. i'm ready for it to be over. well, i'm gonna go, and cut most likely...bye bye...

[b] I'm alright...I'm alright...it only hurts when I breathe... [b]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Dreamer}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

You sure have a lot to have to deal with right now. I wish that I knew something brilliant to say to you that would make it better, but I don't really. I just want you to know that I care.

-Wendy

<font color=orange>"Everyone has a need for significance; and if we can't make that possible, or even probable, in our society, then it will be obtained in destructive ways." -Rollo May</font color=orange>

Cutting doesn't have to be inevitable. I don't know how to stop but I think the first step must be to not look as it as though it is going to happen whether we want it too or not. Argh, just thinking about it makes me sick, it is so much easier just not worry about it and let it happen. The struggle against it is so miserable. But we can stop, right? Yes, we can stop. I would say lose yourself in your homework but I know how hard it can be to concentrate when I am obsessing about whether or not I am going to do something. Please try though. Try to make it through tonight safe and sound.
Carrie

PS let us know how your mom is doing. I didn't catch why she was in the hospital. Is it serious?
CK

My mom isn't in the hospital anymore, she came home last night. She was there because she's been having a lot of swelling (like entire body) and so they needed to get water out of her, but anyway...it's a long complicated story, that I really don't want to talk about right now (one of my many problems). Anyhow, I think i cut last night, but i can't even remember...that's bad. I know I cut today...i've got like 10 on each leg...and 4 on my stomach, one on my arm...hmmm...and that's since dec. I have accelarated cutting recently..like multiple times a day. I am supposed to go see a hypnotist next sat, really dont want to, but my parents are insisting...whatever. I don't think it will help...oh well...i'm really tired and had a headache today...so i'm gonna go..not like i have a life or anything anyway, i mean i can just sleep...anywho...later all, thanks for the concern.

[b] I'm alright...I'm alright...it only hurts when I breathe... [b]

But you need to talk about it. Just talking about how you cut, where you cut, and how many times you cut isn't going to make you stop cutting. Your need to cut is a symptom of the pain that you are trying to bury. If you could choose one thing that is bothering you and talk about it instead of just talking about your individual cutting incidences maybe it will give you some insight into why you are cutting. SI is a device to avoid looking squarely at what is really hurting. You are not going to get better until you put the knife or scissors down and decide to face your problems. I am not going say it is going to happen over night but it won't happen at all if you don't do something about it. If you can't talk about your mom, pick something easier to talk about. Something little that you feel safe in sharing here.
Carrie