[Fuzzybear]

One needs to cut, one must not because it would make me a "failure" and worthless.

One needs reparation, the other needs to run away.

Sigh.

I am done (with this post)

{*{*{*{ Fuzzy }*}*}*}

No easy answers, my friend.

But you are NOT a failure. Ever.

Petunia

[Fuzzybear]

Thanks Petunia, ozzie and Rap.

I have really been struggling tonight..... lots of conflicting thoughts and feelings and triggers from the past and a wish to disappear (permanently). I have been feeling sick too which isnt one of my usual symptoms, although it was when I was a child (I was regularly sick on the way to school)

I am running away from some people.... I now feel I have to both on line and f2f They have hurt me too much, and I feel, and those are MY feelings, that they have not even attempted to understand or respect me But I, like everyone else, am entitled to change my mind. That is MY stuff.

Although I am not always eloquent at expressing my pain, that does not make my pain any less. &^%$%%$ to some "doctors" I have seen

I appreciate your replies.

Bearhugs,
Fuzzy

PS My (former) therapist, although mean in many ways, did accept both my pain and "Lucy's" pain as real, intense, and valid. But some of my behaviour did not "endear" me to him and he was not shy in telling me so ... in an IMO non professional and abusive way. When someone shouts at me or is abusive, I find it hard to learn from any criticism I would like to change that but I do not think I can at this time as it triggers some very deep and overwhelming pain

I am taking care of my safety, even though I do not feel I deserve it, and I will not tolerate abuse, or what I feel is abuse, from anyone.

"Lucy" still confuses me, but she is the very young part of me who wants to be loved and to love and who hates conflict.... but who sometimes acts out when in great pain

My T identified Lucy as a baby but I do not know how accurate that is. She sometimes seems quite vocal but as I said she confuses me

I do not really feel as if I belong in the DID forum although I am grateful for those who have accepted Lucy and I. I might still post there sometimes though if I am allowed to (I am used to feeling that I dont belong so that discomfort /pain is familar and mostly (nowadays) tolerable to me)

I am sorry if this post has offended anyone. That was NOT my intention. These are MY feelings and I am trying to work towards some sort of healing.

I feel as if some may "hate" me now I have made this post. But I feel I have made some progress as I have expressed my pain more fully.....

I do NOT appreciate being judged I try not to judge people (maybe I dont always succeed) and I feel that I deserve the same respect. If Lucy is judged I feel totally invalidated (and, I have found quite recently, Lucy becomes out of control. I am a slow learner as this happened with my former (mean ..) T some time ago ...) I hate myself when I am out of control and the pain it causes to me and others.

Sorry this is so long and maybe confusing.


Fuzzy (and lucy)

Hi my ((((((((((((fuzzy)))))))))))))) friend

I'm sorry you have all these confusions going round in your head. It must be pretty tiring. Sorry I had to stop talking this afternoon - I wish I could have stayed...

I'm familiar with the running away feeling, but maybe it isn't running away so much as redrawing the boundaries you (and Lucy) need to keep safe.

From what you have said it sounds like your former therapist was in some ways harmful to you. I wish you could find a kind one as I am sure they could help you.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
When someone shouts at me or is abusive, I find it hard to learn from any criticism

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I think this is true for most people. It certainly is for me. I struggle with any criticism, however expressed, as I take it way too personally and see it as a criticism of ME rather than of something I have done. But I don't think anyone deserves to be shouted at or abused - I don't shout at my students in school (unless I need to raise my voice to get the whole class' attention) and I certainly don't do it with adults.

I want you to feel yu can belong anywhere that can help you. If the DID forum can't help you, fine, but if you think posting there can help then I think you should. I am not sure if I belong there either, but it is helping me and it seems to be where LC can say things most easily.

This was a brave post, Fuzzy, and I am glad you made it.

((((((((((((Fuzzy)))))))))))))) (((((((((((((Lucy)))))))))))

Caroline

[Fuzzybear]

Thanks ((((((((((((Caroline))))))))))))

I was reading through some old posts and this one struck me.

I see that ozzie's and Rap's posts were wiped off grrrr.

Taking things one day at a time

Sending you good vibes from the cave,
Take care,
Fuzzy

[Rapunzel]

(((((((((((Fuzzy)))))))))))))

[Beautiful_Pain]

{{{{{{Fuzzy}}}}}

[Lexicon78]

(((((Fuzzy)))))

[Zorah]

Beautiful {{{{{Fuzzypaws}}}}}

We love you & lucy too

[hazeleyes]

hey, just reading your first post... i so hear you when you say "one needs reparation, the other needs to run away". Had a session with T today. She says I need to work thru the past, accept and integrate my shadows and my weak sides, as well as my "strong masks". Not sure if this makes sense? So one day I'm ok with feeling weak and dealing with things.... the next I am running and want to quit. It's frustrating. Pain is not the answer in the future. .... btw... You seem like a nice person. *hugs*

[Fuzzybear]

Thanks everyone!! I had forgotten that I hadn't replied to this thread thanking you all....

hazeleyes, it does make a LOT of sense.....