[ThisWayOut]

I know the holidays are difficult for me. It does not help that I have been struggling in general lately due to a pile-up of stressors.
I started out my day ok - immersing myself in cooking, which I rarely do, but wanted to try something new while keeping myself occupied. Shortly after 10am, I was digging in the fridge and remembered the beer we had bought last night. I took one out and offered one to my wife (we NEVER drink that early, but she had been up since 2am for work, and I had awoken shortly after she did, so this was about 8 hours into our day). I finished mine, then hers. I continued to cook and multi-task on the internet. I then did another stupid thing: looked at all the sales going on, and became really hard on myself for our financial situation. I moved on to wishing people happy thanksgiving via mass text (I hate talking on the phone). I got a response back from a woman that I volunteer under. She told me a position had opened up, and she wanted me to apply again (I had applied for a similar position a few months ago but not gotten it). I thanked her for the info. Since originally applying for that job, I have gone through a really rough patch, and seem to need more support. I was approved for disability also, and am having a lot of trouble coming to terms with seeing myself as useless now... I got a whole lot of mixed emotions over being asked to apply. On the one hand, extra money would be great, but I am not sure how much extra, and it may cause me to lose disability. I also don't feel in a stable-enough emotional space to hold down regular (though part time) hours at a job. I started thinking pretty crappy about myself again, this time fuel by beer and lack of sleep.
Then at dinner, conversation between my mom and I started to focus on the past and became a "reminiscing" of sorts about how ****** it had been for both of us. Now, not only have I been triggered by body sensations, but also the holiday, the alcohol, my negative self-image, lack of sleep, and talk of past abuse. I had already battled with self injury urges throughout the past 2 days, but then this all brought it back hard. I could have avoided a lot of the poor decisions, but I did not. I chose to do a bunch of stuff that had me feeling worse than just the holiday and pms would. I did not give in to the si urges yet because I promised my T I would commit to safety. I did catch myself giving myself permission to "do it just once" later on tonight/tomorrow morning however. I'm hoping that by recognizing it in writing, I will point out to myself what a bad decision that would be. I'm on shaky ground with my T as it is, and I don't want to completely screw up. I don't see her again till next Friday, which feels forever away... I already screwed up the IOP program I had started by asking to go inpatient. I can't screw up individual too by being "unsafe" and "unstable"... ugh. Maybe if I take something to sleep tonight I will sleep through my window of opportunity.

[Fuzzybear]

[tealBumblebee]

Thats really tough; you're doing a very strong job working through your urges. I hope you made it through the night like you wanted to and that if you did not that you are not too hard on yourself. Please remember that the urges, or falling off the wagon, doesn't qualify who you are as a person - your efforts to make your quality of life better (as you so evidently are trying to do) are worth much more.

[ThisWayOut]

Thanks both.
I made it through the night and today. It's a bit easier, tho stillnon my mind. I'm hoping the weekend and most of next week goes quickly. I don't see my t till Friday, Not that I know how seeing her will help. We are just bidding our time through the next few weeks to see how I do through the holidays. If all goes ok, we start more concerted effort on processing some trauma. I feel like I'm just trying water and I hate it. On well. It is what it is.
Hope everyone has a good weekend, and those that celebrated had a good holiday.

[Idiot17]

(((((mdngtrain))))))