[utterlyconfused]

Okay, so a friend of mine and my boyfriend know everything about my self harm and eating disorder. Over the weekend, I went out of town with my youth group and my eating disorder got worse. Now every time I eat, I get nauseous and I'm extremely tempted to make myself throw it back up. Normally, I wont eat more than 500 calories a day. My self harm is also starting to invade my mind to the point that that's the only thing I can think about. I did a few cuts on my thigh, but it isn't the same release, and with spring rolling around and the drama team starting to come back into the picture, that means I am required to wear a t-shirt. I still want to cut. During the winter, I would just do it on my upper arm where no one could see anything when I rolled my sleeves up, but now I'm kind of out of options. My friend said that if he notices that I'm getting any worse, he's going to tell my teacher (she's like my mom so that's a big deal). Obviously, I don't want him catching on to anything. I was thinking maybe bracelets could cover it up, but my bracelets are big around my wrists so my cuts being covered isn't necessarily guaranteed. I just need some advice on what to use to cover them up with before I do anything that will get me into any trouble.

[smmath]

I don't think covering them up will get you anywhere. I think that it might be good to talk to the teacher to be helped.

[utterlyconfused]

I'm also seeing a therapist and she hasn't been able to help me much as far as finding ways to distract myself. I've tried everything that has been suggested including holding ice, doing something musical, or artsy. I just can't seem to get it out of my head until I do something to myself. Then the guilt sets in and I feel even worse. She told me to wait 15 minutes before I did anything and if the urge is still there, then be safe, but know that I can call her. I don't want to call her... or anyone for that matter. I want to stop, but at the same time, I don't know how to let it go. I was clean for a year and a few months, but after my relapse in october, the urges have gotten stronger and stronger while my body has gotten weaker and weaker from starving myself and the cuts don't help much either. I just don't know what to do anymore.

[utterlyconfused]

and smmath, I cant even begin to imagine what my teacher would do/say. She's actually across the country from us, but we've all kept in touch. She's planning on coming down for graduation, but I just don't know. I know for a fact that she will be disappointed/concerned, but I just don't want to let her down. When she left my junior year, she told me "promise me you'll stay healthy." So I promised her, and when she came down to visit we didn't bring the subject up. I didn't want to see the disappointment in her eyes. My friend has made it clear to me several times today that he isn't afraid to call her and I know good and well she will be calling me after he talks to her.