[lenjan]

I worked so many hours yesterday that I got to go home at 11 today. I wrote 2 stories in an hour, they both made it in, and my editor liked them both (this is a victory, LOL). I got my laundry and dishes done. I have a full fridge, a hot pot of coffee (decaf, at this hour!), some yummy new bubble bath, a friend is coming in tomorrow (only a 90 minute drive) and we have a fun day planned, I got great news yesterday, and I was feeling really good. And then I decided to go relax with my yummy new bubble bath.

Because, you see, to take a bath, you have to get undressed. And these days, when I get undressed, I have to face what I did to myself the other day. Talk about a buzzkill.

And so the self-recrimination begins, and the eternal question pops up -- WHY? WHY did I think that was a good idea? WHY did I fricking *KEEP* *GOING*, instead of stopping at one? WHY do I have to live like this, wrestle this, wrestle the paralyzing depression, the flashbacks, the self-doubt all the freaking time, when my abuser gets off scot-f'ing-free?

I'm not going to tell you all the places I cut, but there were a lot of them, and I'm going to be staring at them, all red and swollen and scabbed up, for a long time. Eventually they'll fade, but they're there forever now, and every damn time I get undressed, I can ask myself WHY? And I'm never going to have a good answer.



Candy

[Christina86]

(((((((((((Candy))))))))))))))))



I don't know why, I don't know if that is the type of question any one of us can answer.

I wish I could help but I don't know if I can. I'm here if you ever want to talk though, okay?

Take care of yourself and I hope you have a good time with your friend tomorrow.

[biplol]

(((((((candy))))))) Hon, don't be so hard on yourself. yes, u did something, that doesn't mena you can not look up from it.
Hang in there~

[jacq10]

(((Candy))))
I know how hard it can be .. and what you're asking yourself I ask myself every day as well. Just know that you're not alone, and there are many people here for you...
Take good care

[bipolar_bear]

((((((((((((((((((candybear)))))))))))))) I am so sorry about the scars that come from cutting. It is a constant reminder about what overwhelming feelings you have had to endure. Sometimes it just gets so overwhelming for us that the only thing we can think to do is to cut to alleviate that pain. Yes it is a poor coping mechanism but until another replaces it then it is hard to not use what we have for so long. I am sorry that it has happened. Please don't beat yourself up anymore about this. Maybe you could try and come up with some better coping mechanisms that you can use when you are feeling overwhelmed. Maybe a bubble bath right now is not as soothing for you.

I am so sorry that it happened but want you to know that you are struggling with huge issues and sometimes you use an undesireable outlet. You are worth being treated nicely especially by yourself. Please take care.

[Perna]

Just keep focused on literal facts. They're cuts/wounds, a kind of falling and scraping of one's knee as a kid learning to ride a bike sort of thing. They were helpful to you at the time you did them and they don't "hurt" your overall health/body much, just your pride! You'll get the hang of balance/riding the bike/dealing with the problems your abuser so kindly fostered in you and then you'll be free to ride like the wind and forge ahead in life!

(((Candybear)))

[complic8d]

(((((candy))))