[Tromagk86]

I have struggled with bipolar and other mental illness my entire life. Multiple suicide attempts...multiple stays in a hospital for psych evaluation. As many on this thread, I sometimes spend entire days...or weeks...trying to come up with the best ways to die. The ways that dont cause much pain, and dont hurt the ones around me as much. My attempt was always hanging myself. I didnt want to make a bloody mess, and I didnt want to scare anyone who found me.....Sounds insane to normal people, but I know there are others like me that think this same way....I needed to find new ways to cope with this urge...this desire to die. I have never been a cutter however. My method is to punch myself in the head 3 or 4 times really hard when I feel those negative thoughts coming on. The hits to the head are sensational. I feel as though my brain releases a calming substance throughout my entire body when I do this. My negative feelings subside for a while after I do this...but only to return again and again. This works for me...but I know its not the "right" thing to do and is definitely not the answer to this problem. I am open to any/all suggestions. Thanks for reading.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm BP also. Are you in therapy? When my son was younger he was a head banger. One of the things we had him do is put his open hands on the sides of his head between his eyes and his ears on his temples and press down. It doesn't leave marks, doesn't look as odd to people around, and is a good step towards quitting.

As for the suicide urge I would suggest looking at an intenveive out patient program or a partial hospitalization program.

[Sam2]

Sometimes fantazising about how you will kill yourself can be cathartic. Most likely you don't want to die, but want the pain to stop.

Your hitting your head is a little concerning. After a while, it doesn't work as well, urging you to injuring yourself worse. There is definately an addiction facet to self injury. You chase that relief that you get when you hit, but when that no longer does what it did, things can get worse.

I cut for decades until two years ago. Like you, I had attempted suicide several times before. In the end, The cuts I was making were life threatening. They started out as scratches or small burns and went on to become horrible slashes that went deep into the muscle.

There comes a point where you find that although in the beginning you were in control of your behavior, it has turned around and the behavior controls you. By then it is very difficult to stop. You can get a release of endorphins in other, safer ways. Running, weight lifting, cardio. All will produce endorphins if you push really hard.

sam2