[ickydog2006]

The scar of a heart that I did a year and a half ago is fading. Losing weight has made it smaller (now about the size of a quarter) and it is barely visible. But I'm not sure I'm ready to lose it. Cutting has been a part of me for so long and even though I gave up the action I still feel a connection to it (plus I miss it like crazy). I feel it's part of who I am. I so want to leave that life behind me. But I can't. As this scar fades it feels like it is fading me; like I'm losing a sense of who I am. I don't know what to do. I want to keep it with me. Will I ever be ready to let it go. Part of me wants to take a permanent marker and color it in again. Is that wrong to want that. Is it wrong to do that. And if I did, what color. I'm already being triggered a lot lately. Would I want it in red. It's been brown forever. Maybe that's what I want. In all truth I'd rather just see the scar. Maybe I should try a normal marker and see how I like it. That way it will wash off. I don't know. This has been eating away at me for sometime now but it's getting worse as I can no longer see the scar without good light and looking closely.

Any ideas, advice... please

[Perna]

Take a picture of it? I made a collage and have a 3x5 index card on it that had information about something I loved. But that was 20 years ago and the card (it's an orange-colored index card) is completely "blank" now, has totally faded and looks odd as part of the collage now. It makes me a little sad but I can remember what it was about, why I put it there, and it's kind of neat having that "secret" that is just mine.

Take a picture of your scar before it fades and put the picture in a "special" place with other keepsakes. Then in 20 years you can show it to your daughter, especially if she has trouble with cutting :-) It's good to grow up, I promise! Is painful/sad sometimes but good.

What about a tattoo?

for you tonight.......xoxoxo pat

[StargazerLily]

I can understand. I have scars on my legs that are fading, and I don't like that. I know the first one I ever had is gone. I guess over time and growing, having been 6 years since that first one, it stretched out the skin? I like the idea of a tattoo though.

Good luck and I hope you feel better about it.

~lil

[ickydog2006]

I'm worried about tattoos mainly because I'm worried it will slide me back to relapse. I really really really miss the pain and think I would just use that as a loophole to SI and if I end up geting one for the pain it feels like it would be SI.

I don't know. Still feeling lost on the issue.