Relapsed

Due to chaos in my life right now over the past year I have relapsed.

Usually I'd only do it once every few months but it seems like with all of my screwed up life and stress it's once every few days.

And after I'm done all I can think is 'how will I explain these scars to my daughter when she's older?'

I have my methods of sometimes deterring it like flicking a elastic band to my wrist a little trick I picked up many years ago which does help a lot at times but recently I have not been able to stop that urge.

I have a hunting Swiss arm knife I use for this and nothing else. And I find myself cleaning it and all the time I'm cleaning it I pray that I'll snap out of that urge to cut but it doesn't. And after I'm done I clean the area I don't even want to look at it I dress the cuts and then press on them so I know they are there and then I find myself later on staring at them and wondering if that was enough to quench the urge and it never is and then the process repeats itself all over again till I'm satisfied.

Then in the morning I look at them and it just starts my day off badly and I resist the urge again but it gets the better of me... I am running out of places to hide where it's not noticeable but that doesn't stop me...

I don't even know what I'm doing it for which one of my many screwed up reasons is it this time.

My husband can't even look at me right now with the state my body is in and I don't blame him. He cries cause he thinks he needs to do more but he can't do anything.

I'm rambling now I'm sorry.

With some of the scares, you can put on Vitamin E directly to the area, and that can help with the scars.

They are just another part of your story. Just as much a part of you as all of the wonderful good things that I'm sure you have. If your daughter is anything like you, meaning a sensitive and intelligent woman, then she will show you compassion and understanding just as I'm sure you would show her. Instead of feeling shame with your scars, try and look at them of evidence of your journey. Evidence that you SURVIVED, evidence that you have felt true emotion, and evidence that you are strong enough to get through even the toughest of moments.

Trust me, I understand shame. I understand the guilt I'm sure you feel for causing your husband distress. But I hope that you can turn some of those compassionate thoughts towards yourself when you get the urge to cut. I know it's not easy.... and that it might seem like the hardest thing to do right now. But you ARE worth it. You have a family that loves and cares about you. Try and draw on their strength and love to get you through those times where you want to cut. You can do this.

I use it daily. And doesn't do much help but the little bit it does I'll take.

I don't know how to express my emotions toward this post. It sounds so silly but you are the FIRST person to ever show understanding and make me not feel ashamed for my scars. I'm crying because for the first time I feel that someone took what I've said and told me it's ok rather than tell me I'm destroying my body. Thank you I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

I'm so happy that my post was able to help you feel better, even just a little bit I've never found it particularly helpful when people tell me to just "not do it" or that it's wrong. Obviously I'm not condoning it, but it's just a symptom and coping mechanism, like any other (good or bad) one.

All I have ever heard from people is how stupid it is or how will you explain these scars to people who see them and that I'm hurting everyone around me by doing it.
As much as I try to explain no one gets it.