[utterlyconfused]

I'm done. I'm so sick and tired of trying to actually take care of myself for once. All I ever ****ing do anymore is just hurt people. I guess that is what I'm good at.

I just want my razor. I want to see blood. Then that will let me know that everything will be okay. It will be okay because I will be in control. I want cuts all up and down my arms so badly right now, but I can't do that because prom is next friday, and I don't need to explain why I have cuts on my arms to everyone. I would just do it on my thighs, but lets be honest--its not the same release.

I want to just go run away and forget about everything. Forget about my boyfriend that I am trying to break up with. Forget about graduation. Forget about college. Forget about being on a job hunt. Forget about my church. Forget about everything.

I'm just so done. I'm done trying to get better. I'm done trying to have a positive outlook. I'm done with trying to explain why I do things to people who are upset with me. If I want to starve myself... let me starve. If I want to cut myself... let me bleed. What I do with my body is my body and it really doesn't concern them.

Sorry for this rant, but ugh I'm so tired of everything going downhill and keeping a smile on my face, pretending that everything is going to be okay and that I am okay. Its not. I'm falling to pieces on the inside and I'm just so tired of running, and feeling like I'm living my life on display for everyone to see.

[Sam2]

Originally Posted by utterlyconfused

I'm done. I'm so sick and tired of trying to actually take care of myself for once. All I ever ****ing do anymore is just hurt people. I guess that is what I'm good at.

I just want my razor. I want to see blood. Then that will let me know that everything will be okay. It will be okay because I will be in control. I want cuts all up and down my arms so badly right now, but I can't do that because prom is next friday, and I don't need to explain why I have cuts on my arms to everyone. I would just do it on my thighs, but lets be honest--its not the same release.

I want to just go run away and forget about everything. Forget about my boyfriend that I am trying to break up with. Forget about graduation. Forget about college. Forget about being on a job hunt. Forget about my church. Forget about everything.

I'm just so done. I'm done trying to get better. I'm done trying to have a positive outlook. I'm done with trying to explain why I do things to people who are upset with me. If I want to starve myself... let me starve. If I want to cut myself... let me bleed. What I do with my body is my body and it really doesn't concern them.

Sorry for this rant, but ugh I'm so tired of everything going downhill and keeping a smile on my face, pretending that everything is going to be okay and that I am okay. Its not. I'm falling to pieces on the inside and I'm just so tired of running, and feeling like I'm living my life on display for everyone to see.

When you let your urges take over, who is really in control? Not you, is it?
This is probably not the answer you want, but in reality, you have more control than you think you do. There is no law that says you have to go to college. If you aren't ready, do something else for a while.

All the cuts and blood letting will only come back to haunt you some day. Maybe not this year or even in five years, but they will bite your a.. some day. You wind up with a body full of scars that have to be explained to friends, family, spouse, kids and sometimes just people you meet.

It took me fifty years to learn that lesson, and there is no going back and starting over. We get one chance here on earth. What we do with it is entirely up to us. Often it doesn't feel that way, especially when you are younger and still feel under the thumb of your parents. That relationship will change as you get older. I didn't go back to school until ten years after I graduated highschool. In those ten years i did an awful lot of damage to myself, some that can't be undone.

Get a therapist that you click with and find out what is really going on in your head. Usually self damage is punishment for some perceived imperfection that we have of ourselves. Some people take it out on others, while some take it out on themselves. You need to learn to accept yourself and the mistakes you make. No one goes through life without making some mistakes, and some are whoppers. Please don't stay on this track though. It doesn't lead anywhere and before you realize it, ten years have gone by. Ten years during which you could have done a lot with your life.

Think about it. Its your choice. Its ok to take responsibility for things you may have done, but then you have to let it go, forgive yourself and go on. I've been there, sometimes I still am. Its not easy, but then neither are most of the decisions we have to make as adults.

sam2

[Idiot17]

I'm on the same page as you with a lot of what you said so i have no words of wisdom. Just that know you're not alone. ((((hugs))))

[utterlyconfused]

Sam, I have been seeing a therapist that has been AMAZING with helping me... I am a perfectionist though. I talked with my t and she thinks that maybe my medication is not the best fit for me because its just amplifying all of my triggers. She also said that the ed could also play a role into how my medicine is affecting me. So I'm going to see my psychiatrist on wednesday to get all of that sorted out. Good news though... I managed to make it through the night without cutting (: