I try to get others to harm me

I know this will sound pathetic and whiny, but deal with it.

For the past week I've wanted to self-harm. The urge hits me very often, actually. But I don't because I could get caught. If I lived alone, I would in a second. I almost ignored that fear today. I wish I did it today... I deserve to be physically harmed for being so idiotic and selfish.

I'm basically repressing all of my self-hatred and anger to the point where I'm lashing out at random people. Sometimes even those who try to help. I don't have that mental filter anymore that says I shouldn't say those things. Now I don't care who I hurt or hurts me. The reason I say these things is to get someone to retaliate...so I can be punished. If I can't hurt myself, then someone else can do it for me... I'd rather it be a lethal assault on me. I'm too cowardly and weak to end it myself.

I kind of can relate with what you were saying. There was a time that I had offered $10,000 cash for anyone to kill me

I don't need to offer anyone money. I just have to push the right person. Well...I could always go to the slummy areas in my town. It's a long walk, but at least I'll be dead in the end.

Can you call someone and talk about this? I am really worried about you. I don't want you to do anything dangerous.