two years down the drain

I never thought of it that way. I like the idea that the dream may have been a safe way to do what I want to do. Thank you Alison!

I posted this on my other thread too, so I apologize to anyone who sees it twice.

TRIGGER warning .....

My dad has never wanted anything to do with me except beat me, verbally/emotionally abuse me, and for his pleasure. Once I was out of his house, as soon as I turned 18, he really had nothing to do with me. I would only see him at family get-togethers. He has always been involved with my siblings' lives, it was only me that he has chosen to ignore.

Those of you who have read either of my two threads I have going right now know I have not been in a good place. Yesterday and today I have been starting to feel better.

In the last hour I have received 10 texts from my dad. I'm trying not to spiral downhill right now. I don't need him contacting me when I am in the mindframe I'm in. I have not replied, which is a big step for me because I always feel I have to reply. I hope he doesn't call me. I cant hear his voice right now. I know I'm a bad daughter. I don't want to hear the crap he will say to me. I know he will end the conversation with "I love you." Then I will feel dirty and I just don't need this right now.

Gentle hugs sweetie. Stay strong. You've got this.

I really don't feel strong.
I feel sick. I feel dirty. I feel like a horrible person. I feel I deserve pain. Why? Why do I give him so much power over me? :-(

Hi Celtic, I am sorry for what you've been through, it must have been/still is (?) really painful and something no-one deserves. But really well done on getting away and on now ignoring his texts. That must have taken some strength.
And you know it can be natural to feel weak, powerless, "tainted", and blame yourself for things which seriously weren't your fault after.........but none of it makes you any less of a person, any less important, and you and your wishes/feelings matter just as much as the next person's.
And maybe try to turn some of your feelings outwards from yourself towards your dad?? Afterall he should be carrying the blame anyway, it was him who was inadequate, him who was too weak to treat you the way you deserved to be treated, him who was "powerless" to be the person he should have been in your life.
You've been through enough already, not to have to turn his failings on yourself still. He has no right to be making you feel this way.
I do know it is so much easier to say/think those things than to actually feel/believe them but with the right help and support, it's going to be easier to see that you are so much more than what happened to you, than the the way you're feeling now.
And you have every right to cut him from your life, you owe him nothing. Just concentrate on yourself now, and what's going to help you. You deserve that!!
Here for you
Alison

Reasons for me to SI: release, pain, punishment, feel something, I deserve it
Reasons not to SI: might hurt/upset you