tripping over myself

i'm falling back into it, hard and fast. it's not exactly the same, but might as well be... stupidest little triggers and the support I'm desperate to reach out to is not available at the moment. I have to prove that I can do this, but at the same time, I feel like a huge part of me is actively sabotaging things. she was under wraps for a while, but she's back now. I know I should care, but I don't want to. I want to fall head-long into this self-destruct, and quickly so no one notices until it's all too late. but then there's this tiny part of me that is alternately reaching out in hope and curling in on herself in hopelessness. i know I need something, but I'm not sure what. this is the only way i have been able to ask for help in the past. it's never until the breaking point though. i need to break out of the cycle of crisis in order to get needs met (though I'm not really sure what the needs are, so I'm not sure how to get what I need).
how can I identify my needs?

Hey, Thiswayout. I am glad that you are able to think about what might be happening. And avoiding it.

I think we can ask ourselves some specific questions to help us to figure out what we need. Maybe questions such as 1) Am I lonely? 2) If so, then what do I need from other people? 3) Do I need a listening ear? Someone to give me a hug and make me feel valued? Someone to care?

Please read the sticky about other things you can do besides hurt yourself. Okay?

And maybe distract yourself from your pain and be nice to yourself--a warm bubble bath, a shower, hugging a pillow, etc.

I am not sure how many folks are here right now, but you can look at the bottom of the forum page to see who is here and maybe contact some of them. Just be patient about hearing back. You will be okay.

i think you expressed yourself very well. I think what you said is probably true for a lot of us.

Gods blessings to you.

Thanks. Sometimes I just feel so defective. I hadn't self harmed for a while, and killed that streak. Now self destruction is all I can think of because I don't feel worth or worthy of anything. I know I just need to suck it up and deal.

you are most certainly NOT defective. You are effective. You found something that allows you to cope with painful issues. Just because the "normals" of this world do not like it - does not lessen you.

Hang in there.... *HUGS* to you.