[jacq10]

Today I felt a wave of panic and thoughts of SI rush over me. I crawled under my blankets and tried to hide from the world, hoping that I could hide from the thoughts as well. I suppose it worked because I somehow managed to fall asleep. Now that I'm awake again, the thoughts are still there but they are less intense. I've managed to avoid them this time... I hope they don't come back

First - let me say congrats on surviving that emotion. I know that wave can seem taller than a mountain.

You found something that "worked" for you (avoidance). It really isn't a lot different than finding something that works for you - called self harm.

Your shrink probably will like the fact you didn't harm yourself (so do the rest of us). But your shrink will probably not like the avoidance...

I say - you dealt with your issue the best that you could have today.... Probably not the best thing to resort to. But it sure could have been worse. Congrats to you. Maybe next time can be even better.....

[jacq10]

Thanks Useless...

I'm just scared I'm still too "close" to the emotion and that it will find its way back to me tonight. Sometimes I get these feelings where I know SI is just an inevitable way that my night will end. Tonight is one of those nights. I'm just scared that if I do end up at the hospital, they won't let me go this time ...

I'm going to go to yoga later with my roommate and hope that that helps.

Thanks again,
Jacq

[Abby]

I know the feeling. Waves are exactly how it is, intense....constant...tiring.

I hope yoga helps, I have found that useful for me in the past. However, sometimes if I know it'll happen (e.g. if I know that self destructive part is just too eager and I'm not overly willing to fight her because I'm not entirely convinced she doesn't actually make a lot of sense........if that sentence makes any sense!)...I will try and use part of my mind that wants to be healthy (even if she can't stop it entirely) to minimise it as much as possible.

Sometimes this can be the form that the self harm takes - one type over another...at others it is having a 'stop' point in mind - this can vary and not always be met but I find having one can, at least sometimes, give me a moment to think and that can be helpful. Sometimes I plan something afterwards, just so I only have a limited time period to do it then bandage it in - I find fear of being 'found out' the best stop sign!

I feel awkward saying these things as they aren't exactly preventative - and those skills that are distractions etc. (like your hiding) are clearly the best line of defence...but sometimes if I know there isn't a hope in hell of not doing it, I'd rather be vaguely conscious enough of what I'm doing - some control at least! Apologies if this isn't helpful! I do understand.

Take care of yourself, as best you can.

[jacq10]

Thanks for your thoughts Abby... they do help.

I know some people advocate for the "harm reduction" approach rather than simply advocating that people don't engage in SH. I personally have never found the latter helpful. So thank you for your understanding.

I'm really hopeful that yoga can calm my anxiety that I am currently experiencing. You know that feeling that you have right before you are going to be sick? Thats how I feel right now in relation to self-harm. Here's to hoping that breathing deeply will help it pass.

[Abby]

How did it go? Did Yoga help?

I understand that feeling of everything being on the verge of erupting. Of functioning but knowing the brewing beneath it is a lot of intense pain. It's good to recognise though, in a sense, because it allows you to try to make alternative plans or manage your feelings differently (like you did). If you're like me though, there are times when you semi know it's going to happen no matter what - that's why personally I aim for minimisation, just simply because for me saying I won't do it sets me up for failure. I'd rather take steps that are possible than a giant leap and fall further into the dark pit.

[jacq10]

Thanks for checking in Abby.

Yoga actually did help. I wasn't too hopeful, but by the end of the session I was feeling much stronger. I think I'm going to try to do more often (not just when I feel like I did last night) to try and keep feeling strong.

[Abby]

That is really fantastic! I need to find another class to go to - you've inspired me. I agree that trying to keep things at a level playing field when we can will help us when things are really crap. That's what I find with communication - the more I've been open about my painful feelings/self harm (even if it's just wearing short sleeved tops) - the less hard it is to talk when things are tough. It's still hard but at least you don't have to go through that horrid initial part of everyone being shocked!

Take care of yourself.