[eternalalien]

I've suffered from depression for most of my life. And i've been harming myself for most of that time.
After a good patch things have been particularly bad lately.

I was messed up n pushed away my gf. Afterwards i was heartbroken, n hated myself for losing her.
We've been trying to be friends, but i still love her so much, n i just wanted a second chance - to show her i could be different than i was before. and that we cud be happy.

I asked her to think about giving it another go.

Today she txt me and said she had thought about it, and just wanted to be mates.

I'm feeling devastated.
My first reaction was that i wanted to cut up, even to cut my wrists. I had to stop myself from punching a mirror.

I'm finding the pain so overwhelming. I was trying to do better. I was even going to go to the drs tomorrow & ask about counselling and medication. I really wanted t try n be a better person.

But now i don't see the point.

I dont have any reason to try anymore.

My gf was my light. She made the world a little better. A little less painful. And now that's gone.

Everyone keeps saying dont hurt yourself. Dont kill yourself. And ive been trying to hang on. But why? I feel like there's nothing here for me.

I know people may think im only feeling this way because of sadness and loss, but i've felt this way all my life. It's just for the first time in my life there was something that helped a little, that took some of the pain away. And now i've messed that up n lost her.

I;m not coping too well.
So if there's anyone out there who can understand a little it would be nice to see. - because i've got a clean blade sitting on my desk, and a stock pile of tablets that im trying to ignore. - hearing a kind word from someone might help.

Thanks,
Dawn

[bipolar_bear]

((((((((((((((((((((Dawn))))))))))))))))))) I am so sorry that your girlfriend has decided she just wants to be friends. That is such a hard thing to take. That must really hurt. I hope you are able to resist cutting as that is just a temporary thing, at least for me.

Maybe you can still go to councelling tommorrow? I hope you decide that you will. Hopefully they will be able to reduce your pain.

Please take care and you are not alone.