Finally did it

Hi there, I've posted in other parts of the forum before. I have PTSD, MDD, and Panic Disorder. I had been making great progress on recovery. I had discovered that my current place of work was a hugely triggering environment for me and was causing my issues to be highly exacerbated. I went on paid medical leave for 7 weeks and when I came back my employer was extremely hostile to me, so after a few days, I gave 6 weeks notice. (I am senior staff and a department head so generally giving a longer notice of resignation is standard to help with the transition and make sure projects get taken over appropriately, etc.)

As the 6 weeks have passed by, many very stressful things have happened at work to summarize, including the increased hostility from my employer. And while I report to the Executive Director (who is very insensitive and triggering), our COO and HR manager (one and the same) reminds me very much of my mother who abused me and basically caused all my issues. This woman is very passive aggressive and cruel. Whatever.

I've had lots of good job interviews and I expect a new job offer any day now. So I'm not super concerned about that, but having to make it through the next three weeks with my current employer, and with the way they are treating me (or at least the way I feel I'm being treated).

I hadn't slept in days. I have been avoiding sleep because of nightmares and because I only make it through a couple of hours of sleep at a time and then I don't even want to sleep because I wake up feeling worse than when I went to sleep.

Previously I had only self injured by picking at scabs and injuries that had been completely accidentally caused. But last night, I started by banging my head against the floor. Then punching myself. Then scratching my arms. Then I went to get a knife. I couldn't get it to draw blood without making a quick cutting motion, and I was worried that would cause too much damage, so I put it away. Then I found a corkscrew and used that to scratch at my arm and finally drew blood. I was in a trance really. Just tearing my skin up, watching the patterns of scratches on my arm. It felt good. It felt real.

And then I got very scared. I went into the chat rooms and chatted with some people there. I called my psychiatrist, and she told me I could go to the ER or if I could stay with a friend for the night. I chose to call a friend and see if I could stay with them for the night. I got a full night's sleep, but I pretty much feel numb this morning. I know I'll self injure again. It's just a matter of time today. I feel like I could go grab the corkscrew right now.

This is new and scary behavior from me. I don't know how to deal with it. I think I'm so angry with these people in my life and since I can't respond or hurt them, I'm hurting me to get the satisfaction. I don't know if that's really true, it's just a theory.

I don't know what I'm looking for here. I don't understand this behavior. I'm guessing that some of you have more experience with this than I do. Any thoughts or sharing of your own experiences with self harm and why you do it, would be helpful. If I can just understand why I'm doing it, I think I can redirect myself. But I just don't understand it. It's like it wasn't me doing it. I don't know if that makes sense.

For the record, I regularly see a therapist and a psychiatrist. I am on paxil, prozac, xanax, klonopin, and yaz (For PMDD). So I'm not untreated or anything like that.

Thanks for listening.

Seesaw

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling so much right now. I'm glad you were able to reach out to your pdoc. Any chance you can get in to see your therapist asap?
My phone doesn't like to post links, but you can search pc for their into on self injury. You can also check out selfinjury.com for info.
People self harm for many reasons. I think you may be on to something with the Mine of thinking that you are turning your frustrations onto yourself. Sometimes we don't know what else to do, or another way to get the frustration out, so we turn it into ourselves. My reasons are too many to list, but the biggest one is relief from intense and uncomfortable emotions. I would say your situation at work is quite tense and uncomfortable...

Thank you so much for replying, ThisWayOut. It just feels good to know someone is listening. I feel like I need to go to the hospital but I just don't know what all that would mean. I don't want to be committed. I don't know what the hospital could do for me.

I will call my therapist to see if he can see me today.

Now that you've tasted the relief it can bring it may be much harder to quit than you realize. Definitely seek help from your therapist now. It probably doesn't seem like that big of a deal right now, it's just a few scratches and maybe bruises, they'll heal quickly, but it will be a big deal. Self injury tends to escalate quickly because soon a few scratches won't bring any relief at all and you will have to go deeper and do more damage. There are a few different versions of the following poem on line but this is one of the most complete and I hope you read it carefully. There are very real consequences that come from this behavior.

Before you make that first cut remember. You will enjoy this. You will find the blood and pain release addictive. Even though you think you can make a few tiny cuts that aren’t deep and will heal easily, they will get deeper. They will scar. They will sometimes take months to heal. And years for the scars to fade. If you think you can limit the cutting to one area of your body think again. It will spread when you run out of skin.

Be prepared to withdraw from others and live in a constant state of shame. Even if you are the most honest person ever to live you will find yourself lying to the people you love. You will jerk back from your friends when they touch you as if their hands were dipped in poison. You will be terrified that they will feel something under the cloth of your shirt, or just because it just plain hurts so much to be touched.

Be prepared to get so out of control you fear your next cut because you don’t know how bad it will be. Just wait for 10 cuts to turn into 100... Be prepared for your entire life to revolve around cutting, and thinking about cutting, cutting and covering up cutting. And just wait until that first time you cut “too deep”. And you freak because the blood won’t stop, and you are gaping, ad you feel yourself shaking all over. You are having a panic attack and you are terrified but you can’t tell anyone. So you sit there alone, praying it will be okay and swearing you’ll never let it go this far again. But you will; and further. Don’t worry, you will learn how to take care of your cuts so that you can go deeper and deeper and avoid A and E.

You will lie to yourself and justify it when you find yourself spending £10, £20, £30 every time you go into a chemist. You will feel the flutter of your heart beat every time you go to the counter. Butterfly strips, 3 or 4 kinds of dressings, wound tape, antibiotic cream, medical tape, and scar reducers. You will tap your foot impatiently hoping the queue will move on and that no one will stare at you or wonder why you need all these things. And at the same time secretly hope that someone will notice... someone who is standing in line with an armful of the same supplies. Someone who understands. But of course that never happens.

Medical supplies won’t be the only thing you spend all your money on. Be prepared to buy a new wardrobe. Long sleeve shirts in summer colours, bracelets, wristbands, boots, gloves the list goes on and on.

You will start looking at every one in a different way. Scanning their bodies for any signs of SI, just hoping that you might meet someone like you so you don’t feel so terribly alone. You won’t even think about it as you eyes scan their wrists, arms, hoping, just hoping that you might meet someone like you. But they are not. You will see their clean arms and feel terribly ashamed and alone.

You will start doing alot of things alone. You will always have to wash your laundry in private so that no one sees the blood stains on your clothes and towels. You will always be cleaning up the blood. Scrubbing your bathroom floor, wiping the blood off your keyboard.
You won’t be able to make it through a day without cutting. Next thing you know you’re locked in a toilet cubical somewhere breaking open a scar with a sowing needle you keep in your purse for emergencies. When you get really desperate anything can be a cutting tool. Scissors, car keys, needles, even a pen. It doesn’t really matter what if you need to cut bad enough you’ll find something.

Say goodbye to the things you took for granted. Like wearing shorts or sandals, pedicures and sleeveless tops. A normal summer day at the beach or the swimming pool will become a far off memory to you.

And remember to be ready to itch. Because you will itch and itch so much that “you look like you have fleas or a skin disease”.

You will become an expert on your own body as you destroy it carefully. You will dream about cutting. You will dream about being exposed. It will haunt you day and night and take over your life. You will wish you never made that first cut because you will absolutely hate cutting; but at the same time you love it and cannot live without it.

I've seen that once before a long time ago and forgotten all about it until now. It is all so damn true! I hope you can get some help very soon for this seesaw. It is important it doesn't get out of control

As someone who has used self harm as a sort of treatment for my manic depression for the last twelve or so years I always used it for the control aspect be it cutting or wrist banging. I can't control how I feel or what goes on in my head nor can I really control what goes on on the out side (things like weight gain from meds).

The only thing I could and can control was and is what kind of pain I can put myself though. After years of using it to punish and control myself I would say to anyone who has used it once to stop now before it becomes second nature and you don't have to think before trying self harm as an option.

When you can stop you don't want to. And when you want to you can't stop.