switching one for the other

I can't seem to win with all this. Having a new T right now is really throwing things off. I keep switching out coping mechanisms. I go from unrelenting body memories, to cutting, to suicidal thinking. It goes in circles and spirals and scribbles. If it's not one, it's the other for the past 2 or 3 months. It was bad before T said she was leaving, but then it got worse. And now it's faster and harder and I can't seem to convey to this new T what it feels like, or how it's effecting me. I can't get the words right, or the messages. I don't know how to tell her how messed up it all is in my head. I can't seem to step away from the cutting for long. It's the least uncomfortable out of my "three options" at the moment. It puts the others to rest for a bit... It's "bad" in it's own right, but it's the least detrimental at the moment.
How do you tell a new T all this stuff? It has taken other T's too long to figure things out, and it mostly happened when I landed in the hospital. I really want to avoid that. I only have one hour a week (or 10-14 days, depending) with her, and she is a student. I think she has dealt with self-harm before, but maybe not... I have not asked her, though she doesn't seem too freaked out about it yet. I don't even know if I want to stop the self-harm at this point because there is too much underlying it. It fills a need (several actually), but I can't get them met without taking care of the underlying stuff first. So I'm here alternately being really pissed at myself, and being ok with the self-harming. I should know better by now. I should be utilizing my other coping skills by now... but I still have no clue how to fix all the brokenness by myself, so I cut. I don't even know how to tell T all the rolls cutting plays. I had it written down for previous T, but it also has some other info in it that I am not yet ready to disclose to this T... there's no real way to eliminate that info without ignoring most of the list...
I don't know what the point of this post is... maybe just "thinking out loud" and looking for ideas and... I don't know... I've been coping like this for way too long... 22 years... been to more treatment than I care to think of, yet I still can't change things when it comes back to that old hurt that gets stirred up... too much old stuff got stirred in the last 3+ months...

I'm sorry, ThisWayOut. Perhaps you are somewhat grieving the loss of your forrmer T. Feel free to share more if you would like.

Thanks TravelingLady. Definitely grieving loss of old t and not sure how to get over it... It's playing a huge role in all this, but again, not sure how to convey it all to new T. There's SO much to talk about, but the time flies by and we don;t get to the stuff I need to focus on. The self-harm and safety talks take up a large chunk of our time together. I wish I knew how to get more out of them. I feel like I get lost and zone out for much of our time. It's having to start all over again from the beginning (I know old T had talked to the supervisor before I was assigned to new T, but that info didn't seem to get to new T). It's re-hashing a bunch of old stuff when I really need to focus on some of the here-and-now. I need to cover the old stuff as well, but I was going to save that for the old, old T I will be going back to in a few months (moving across country again at some point in the near future). I really wanted to focus this time with this new T on getting over losses, especially loss of the T immediately before her... How do I get the "defense mechanisms" (suicidal thinking, self-harm, constant crisis) tuned down enough to be able to focus on that stuff that really needs to be addressed? (I had figred out with old T that the cirses were all defense mechanisms that came up when I was too afraid to look at the stuff I really need to look at. When things get overwhelming, all the "bats" come flying out to distract from the stuff I should be paying attention to, because it's easier to be dealing with all the distractions of crises than it is with all the real pain underneath). I really miss having someone I trust, and that knows me (and I know them) to talk to at times like this. Then we could set aside all this other crap and force our way through the tough stuff... I'm too good at distractions and changing the topic when things get uncomfortably close to the real issues. I wish I could tell new T this, but I don't really know how. And I wish I had more time with someone to process all this crap... :/ I tried finding another T, but my options are so limited, there's no one with more time that is also affordable and still decent as a T... So I fall back to the usual cutting/suicidal thinking/crisis loop and avoid everything. I know all this stuff right now (because in this moment I am not stuck in it, but give me a few and I'll be back there again before the hour is up), but I can't ever translate it to usable/changable information when I'm in the middle of all that emotional garbage...

I know you said you had it all written down for your previous T, so maybe you could rewrite the list how you want and not include the stuff you don't want to talk about. I always have problems with getting off topic when talking to my t, so maybe writing it down will help you out some. Just an idea, hope it helps.