[gwenlian]

I've already promised my husband that there would be no more cutting but my therapist made me promise her too. I don't want to break these promises but I have an idea of what would happen with my husband but breaking it with my therapist scares me. I haven't done anything since Tuesday night, but I'm worried about getting into that state again and not being able to stop it despite all the things she gave me to do instead of cut. Has anyone been through something similar with their therapist? I didn't ask her what would happen if I couldn't keep the promise but I'm afraid she'll either drop me or push for inpatient again.

[1MerlinFan]

I'm sorry you were put in the position of having to make a pact that you're not sure you can keep. I know how hard it is to try to fight the urges, but try to remember why you agreed to stop in the first place.
Think about how freeing it feels when you don't have anything to hide; when you can wear short sleeves or shorts or whatever the heck you want to wear without worrying about covering up cuts.
Ask your therapist why she wanted you to make that promise. If you think you can't keep it, talk to her about it. Also do the same with your husband. Explain the reasons you feel the need to harm yourself, and explain to him how hard it is to stop yourself when you're in the moment. Maybe the three of you together can come up with a plan, so that when you find yourself in a situation that makes you want to do something, you can turn to one of them for help instead.
Remember though, you have to want to quit for you, not for anyone else. Come up with reasons why YOU want to quit, for YOU, because if you're only doing it to make your husband or your therapist happy then it probably won't work, and you'll just be miserable. Make a list of reasons why you are worth recovery, and why you deserve so much more than pain. These reasons can be anything that make you feel good about yourself. If you can't come up with enough, ask your husband, or other friends and family who you know love you. I'm sure there are millions of reasons why you are worth fighting for.

I hope you're doing well!!