[Zenobia]

It hasn't been such a rotten day. Not really. Why is it that I want to hurt myself right now? My husband said to him I sounded like my mother. But all I said was that he hadn't cleaned the mud off the window yet. You see last fall I spent a couple of hours washing all the windows in the house, inside and out. The very next day he decided to clean the gutters which got mud all over the big window in front of the house. I asked him to clean it then and he said he would. I asked a couple more times and he said he would but he never did.

Last night he got totally pissed at my daughter. She has boxes of stuff sitting on the upstairs landing from when we cleared out her room and painted it. She was supposed to have gone through them by now. I said all along that she should move them directly to the garage and sort through them out there but he over ruled me because I was at work at the time they were cleaning out the room. So the boxes have been sitting there for over a month, in the area that I spent a few days cleaning and sorting and organizing and feng shuiing a couple of weeks before all this took place. These boxes have been bothering him.

What happened last night is Jessica discovered that her choir clothes are now missing. She hasn't seen them since she cleared out her room. She thinks they got accidently taken to the good will when some of her other stuff was taken. So Chris goes up there to try to help her find them and he see some candy wrappers on the floor by her computer desk. He gets angry and starts stomping around grouching about it all. I work things out with Jess-I went to Value Village today and pick her up another choir outfit. Then I went downstairs and Chris starts in about how rediculous it is and how she doesn't respect us because she leaves her *stuff* all over the place, yada yada yada.

A couple of days ago I started cleaning out the front flower beds. I cut down the old fern fronds and then clean the front of the house and touch up any chipped paint when I do this since the ferns are gone for a couple of weeks it is a good time. Anyway, today I went out to start cleaning the front and it occurs to me that he still hadn't cleaned the mud off the window. This got me to thinking about how he was talking about Jess and her behavior and lack of respect for us and stuff. So it seemed that it would put a little perspective on the whole situation if he was made aware of the fact that it isn't a matter of respect but rather a matter of different priorities. So when he came outside, I said with a smile on my face in as nice a way as possible the he hadn't cleaned the mud off the window yet. He pitched a fit. He stomped inside, cutting my off before I could say what I was trying to tell him, grabbed some paper towels and came back outside to clean it. Of course cleaning it now is a total waste of time because I was just about to clean the front of the house. So I told him this and he got totally pissed at me and threw the towels down on the ground and stomped back inside and went to bed.

I found this all rather amusing to tell you the truth because he was acting just like my daughter has on occassion which of course would make him angry too. Being amused I figured that the best way to handle it was to go about my business and get the things done that I needed to get done. When it came time to go to Value Village I asked him if he wanted to come and he decided not too so I had a lovely day out getting the things for Jessica's outfit and such.

When I got back however, he was in a weird elevated moodstate and starts telling me how he feels about the situation in a loudish voice. He isn't yelling but the tone is strident and scary to me. He doesn't even let me get into the house. He came out to the car with this huge smile on and starts talking about this while I am trying to get the stuff out of the van. When we get into the house he states that I sounded like my mom and it made him angry.

I hardly ever ask him to do anything and I never criticize him. I can't because I am afraid if I do he will leave. This is an irrational thought because he will not leave. I had an internet affair and he still stayed so it is clear to me that he will not leave but I still can't criticize and only ask for things occasionally. My mom is constantly criticizing my dad. It drives me nuts. It feels like he said that just to hurt me because he feels bad that he didn't clean the window like I had asked him too. I don't know.

Now I feel off kilter. I feel emotionally uncomfortable and I know what will bring me back in line and functioning ok. But I am not supposed to do that. I resent that I can't take care of my needs in the way I want to because it is a poor skill. I am frustrated that even when I try to express myself in other ways I am still left with this need to hurt myself. All I want to do is jab a needle in my arm. No big deal. People do it all the time when they get tattoos and peircings but because I want to do it to make myself feel better and get back to having a good day it is not a mentally healthy choice. It sucks.
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}

How are you doing now hun? Hope your evening is going good .

I did laugh when I read how you made the connection about your hubby and daughter and their "forgetfulness" . It is great that you saw humour in it too....your hubby probably did too but felt more like he had egg on his face about it eh?

You are such a strong woman....I admire you.


Heather

[Rapunzel]

Carrie,

It's a habit. Hurting yourself has just been the thing that you do when junk in life starts to get to you. Habits are hard to change.

It's really great the way you found the humor in your husband's behavior, and I agree that he probably did feel sheepish about how he was acting and resorted to telling you you sounded like your mother because in comparison to you today he felt inadequate and in order to reduce his cognitive dissonanance he had to convince himself that you were closer to his level. He may or may not be able to recognize what he was doing. It's just human nature.

Really, I think you are doing a fantastic job of dealing with life and being in control of your problems.

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
Wendy

<font color=orange>There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong.

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