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#1
Mar 23, 2004, 01:13 AM
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A few of you have PMed me asking me how I was doing since I've been quiet for awhile. First, I appreciate the caring and concern.........thank you to all who did.
I have had a couple of appts with my T that I have missed for one reason or another within the last few months. The clinic's policy is that more than 2 such appts and you are discharged from the clinic, regardless of whether you are "well" or not. I had an appt. today with mine. I drove down to Chgo for a job interview and with all the meds I am on, I was lucky I made it back without completely falling asleep at the wheel driving. I know I dozed off a couple of times. I also realized that I was just about out of gasoline in my car and couldn't get there and had no money till Friday. I called his office 2 hours in advance and told them the truth about why I couldn't get there. I can't manufacture money or have it home grown...........:::::  ::::::::::::: Anyway, I paged him tonight to ask about maybe tomorrow (I had a rebate check come in the mail so I got really lucky) coming in if there were openings. I was informed that he was tired, and that we had to "talk" about the clinic now because technically this was the "discharge" appt. My T (former, now I guess) told me that he will call me late tomorrow after his appts and we'll talk. I asked him if he can't override what the clinic says, and he told me "no". This is the proverbial straw. For the last two weeks my life has stunk. I walked out of my job (came back and have barely managed not to do it again), started using illegal drugs to combat my stress levels, started new meds and an increase in a current med, and dealt with new found levels of poverty (which has only increased my husband's wonderful moods). Now I will probably have no one to talk to in 3D, at least for 6 months. Guess what????? I will not be around when that sentence has been paid for. I've had enough. The first thought when he told me was, "He's finally left me like I always thought he would, like everyone that has cared has." A sense of peace briefly settled upon me and then I started crying - still am for that matter. I stopped at my parent's house today and couldn't go in.......and now this. There is no adult left in 3D. It really, truly is just a job to my T - stupid me was grateful for the caring. Anyway, I wanted to say thank you to everyone, most esp. Jill, Fuzzy, Greg, Tomi, Heidu, Heather, Wendy, Trish, DE, DocJohn (for the times you read my emails and responded) - just because I have known you all the longest. What happens after his call is up in the air. If I am here, I will be completely silent. I need to work on suppressing these feelings of abandonment, hurt, and rejection. I need to feel NOTHING so that I can function and do what I have to do. The anguish I feel now at the thought of not seeing my T is unbelievable. Email and phone calls won't work. It just makes me understand how far he had gotten past my walls and my indifference.............how silly I have been. Take care of yourselves. I will let all of you know what his call involves and I am going to send him a copy of this post with one paragraph dedicated directly to him, so please bear with me for just a second: " Dr. ________, I have always been honest with you. If I am only going to be allowed the above things with you for awhile, it won't work. You have gotten past my gates and found ME........a very scared, insecure child who cares about you with all the innocence and trust of the young. You are the one person I have always been able to count on. Don't be like the rest of them, don't prove my fears correct. Please.............." Mary Alice To anyone I have forgotten to express thanks to, please forgive me. My mind right now is not exactly functioning over the other turbulence. 
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#2
Mar 23, 2004, 02:04 AM
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{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} This is horrible. I am so sorry this is happening. I know it doesn't feel like it right now but I want you to know that you are not alone. We are here. I know it doesn't seem like much but we are here and we do care. I wish there was something I could do, more that I could say. You have come such a long way from when you first came here. You have demonstrated strength and resiliency. You have grown and you have learned to open up. These gains are not all for naught. No matter what happens with your T and that clinic *zen spits on the floor in her anger at the clinic for its coldness* you still did these things. You did it. Not your T, not us, not anyone but you. You chose to get better. You chose to try to make a better life for yourself. You can continue to make that choice and we will be here to help as best we can.
I will be thinking of you, Carrie <font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft |
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#3
Mar 23, 2004, 11:23 AM
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{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I'm so sorry this has happened. He does really care about you - I still feel that - but he is bound by the clinic rules. He has bent rules for you before, but that can only go so far. When he calls, maybe he will have an idea for what you can do from this point. I can't believe that he will just abandon you with no resources, but you have to be working towards getting better too. If you are not willing to change, then no matter how much anybody cares about you it just won't work. Like I have told you before, you deserve a better life and to be able to respect yourself and like yourself. You could choose to make a statement that would make the people who care about you hurt very much, but at the same time you would deprive yourself of the chance to achieve everything good that you deserve. Or you can keep pushing forward, make some changes in your life, and take a chance that maybe happiness for you is around the corner. You know what I hope you will choose, and you know some of the choices you are making that are holding you back. Oh, how I wish that I could do it for you, but you have the right to choose for yourself. Love, Wendy <font color=orange>"They accused us of suppressing freedom of expression. This was a lie and we could not let them publish it." ... from the Director of Censorship... </font color=orange>
__________________
“We should always pray for help, but we should always listen for inspiration and impression to proceed in ways different from those we may have thought of.” – John H. Groberg 
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#4
Mar 23, 2004, 11:34 AM
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I understand this awful, desparate feeling, (((((((((((Mary Alice))))))))). I have felt it before, (in my past life), and the thought of suicide actually helped me get thru. the minutes until, EVERY time, things would get resolved and it would be OK again.
That's why I hope so much that you won't act on those feelings, Mary Alice. These things have come up with your T and in your life before, but you have gotten thru. them and mostly every time, things have been resolved so that they were OK again, (at least with respect to this T). I am sending you my prayers and keeping you in my thoughts, and will be watching for your follow-up post. WE CARE ABOUT YOU, (((((((((((((MARY ALICE)))))))))))))!!!! XOXO, Jill <font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue> 
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#5
Mar 23, 2004, 02:13 PM
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I have been discharged. No emails, phone calls, or visits/drop-ins of any kind at his office.
Before I go, I'm trying one last option. I have called the CEO/President of the Hospital and the Board. Patient relations is supposed to be calling me back today - if not, I will be calling them.
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#6
Mar 23, 2004, 03:55 PM
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i am soooo sorry to hear this... but maybe it happened so that you could find a place where you won't get kicked out when you need help the most... that is completely wrong that they throw you out because most people are probably already really stressed about not being able to make it and have serious problems that are affecting them not coming, so they need help then, not to be throw out on the streets looking for a new therapist.... hope things work out... we truly are all here for you!
Through each others weaknesses we find comfort.
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Through each others weaknesses we find comfort. |
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#7
Mar 24, 2004, 12:28 AM
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Hospital board, administration, patient relations, and the doc in charge of the pain management clinic where my former T is, all said NO.
The doc in charge of the clinic actually asked me why I was bothering all these people with my problem..................didn't think much else could hurt, but I was mistaken. Problems = not important. I'm used to that. No emails, no nothing from him.......I don't know how long this free fall will continue till I hit bottom, but I can feel it. [sigh].
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#8
Mar 24, 2004, 01:00 AM
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{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I don't know what to say. I know that you are hurt about this. Your problems are important to me. Hang on, please. Keep talking to us. We can't give you what you want, but please accept what we have to offer. Love, Wendy <font color=orange>There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong. </font color=orange>
__________________
“We should always pray for help, but we should always listen for inspiration and impression to proceed in ways different from those we may have thought of.” – John H. Groberg
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#9
Mar 24, 2004, 11:04 AM
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This is awful. I'm so sorry! Soon, can you begin to work on not letting this event ruin/negate all of the positive work that the two of you did together?
I know that is very, very difficult not to 'split it all black', but you guys DID accomplish some good things while you were working together that needn't be lost. YOU did that work, (((Mary Alice))), and deserve to retain the positive benefits. That freefall feeling will recede in time = please try to 'observe' it instead of give into it, (again, I know, a VERY difficult thing to do, but you are strong enough if anyone is = I truly believe that). Keep talking to us; we'll be here to help you work thru. this very big disappointment - (even I think they are kind of chicken sh$t for doing this...grrr...). Most sincerely, Jill <font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>
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#10
Mar 24, 2004, 11:58 AM
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{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}
Oh gosh hun  I am sorry.Please please read over what Wendy and Jill said. I know you can do this. Think of how much work you have done so far. There is only one way hun and that is up. My thoughts are with you as well as so many here who love and care for you.  Heather
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Hugs Heather The secret of abundance is to stop focusing on what you do not have, and shift your consciousness to an appreciation for all that you are and all that you do have. ~~Dr. Wayne Dyer |
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#11
Mar 24, 2004, 12:14 PM
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I think this is totally irresponsible of this clinic. Did they give you any list of options that you may pursue in getting help? Any idea at all where you could turn? ARGH! I am so upset that this place that is supposed to help people get better is leaving a friend of mine in a lurch.
{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}} I wish there was something I could do other then fuming and biting my nails. I have read everyone's responses and really have nothing more to add other then to agree with them. You can make it through this. It feels impossible now but you can. There are other doctors out there that can help you, people who won't leave you feeling abandoned and alone. People who will support you even when you get into a place where your life become unmanageable and you make mistakes. They are out there, you can find them. Just know that we love you and want you to keep safe. Carrie <font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft |
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#12
Mar 25, 2004, 04:13 AM
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{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I read your post and cried. Please don't feel bad about that, I've been getting better with it. I'm starting to freeze over. They gave me no options, in fact they informed me that NO doctor in that section will see me for 6 months..........feels like I've been blackballed. I will not talk to another T or anyone else in 3D again. To open myself up to another person so completely, to need someone like that - is unacceptable. I obviously have nothing to offer someone anyway. After everything, he has completely just cut me off. Like I don't exist. He knows ME, knows what I am feeling about this, and still he does it.............that tells me how much value I have - ZERO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm getting ready for surgery next month and trying to maintain some superficial mask for the world to see - when the fall comes, I will not feel it. Heather, Jill, Wendy, everyone else who gave me such caring responses - thank you. I exist here, not in 3D. Carrie, I appreciate your post more than words can say. xoxo
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#13
Mar 25, 2004, 10:41 AM
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I am sorry Mary Alice. I find it so hard to get my head around how therapists can do things like this. I have been there
I know you feel alone, and I understand why, but you do have us ... {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}Fuzzy xx
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#14
Mar 25, 2004, 12:47 PM
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{{{{{{{{{{{Fuzzy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I don't understand it either, esp. someone I was so in sync with. Having everyone here is at least keeping me typing for now. Thanks, Fuzzy.  xoxo
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#15
Mar 25, 2004, 01:59 PM
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{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
...There was something I was going to say but I don't think it is the right time so I will leave it at the old cliche "time heals". The pain will subside, slowly but surely. I just beg you to hang in there, you are beautiful to us and mean so much. We love you lady. Carrie <font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft |
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#16
Mar 30, 2004, 09:17 AM
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*****Mary Alice*********
I am so sorry to hear about this. I can imagine how this must feel, and I would probably be feeling just as bad as you based on this rejection. I just wanted to tell you really quick that I love and care for you, and to try and stay onboard dear  I can't do it by myself, and you are such a wonderful person that I couldn't bear it. But, I have to go to class now for the mean time, but when I get back I'll give you my full response  *Giant Hugs* -Kelly |
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#17
Mar 30, 2004, 11:50 AM
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Kelly, hanging on to that oar.......more has happened, but it doesn't matter.
xoxox
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#18
Mar 30, 2004, 06:44 PM
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Mary Alice,
What else happened? If you don't want to post it, you can PM me. I've been worried about you. (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))) xxoxooxoxx Wendy <font color=orange>There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong. </font color=orange>
__________________
“We should always pray for help, but we should always listen for inspiration and impression to proceed in ways different from those we may have thought of.” – John H. Groberg
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#19
Mar 30, 2004, 09:07 PM
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ok I can not stay quite.. I can not hide when someone I love so much is such pain..
I just cant.. <marquee> (((((((((((((((((( hugs )))))))))))))))) </marquee> <marquee> I love you with all my heart </marquee> Please I am so so sorry.. I wish I could give you options, but I have none to offer.. I can only offer my heart and my friendship. I can offer my love and caring heart I can offer you soemthing you need a shoulder a hand to hold a wing to sheed your tears under I dragon to look upon your life to help you when you need soemone to walk beside you I wont leave you Mary Alice I never could do that to you. You mean so much to me.. I cant do that to you.. When I was told you needed me, I came running back to here, I cant leave. you, not ever.. When you need me.. Call, and I wll be here no matter what <marquee> (((((((((((((((((( hugs )))))))))))))))) </marquee> <marquee> I love you with all my heart </marquee> <font color=blue> Darkness all around Darkness is my freind I will let it overtake me this time Cause I no longer belong....
__________________
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#20
Mar 31, 2004, 03:47 AM
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Alex was hurt slightly, enough to put red marks on him (which didn't stay, thank goodness). I lost it, where I worked no less.
I have no safe place anymore. My T has abandoned me and my work site is not safe either. I had to borrow $250 today to keep him off my back.....his temper was in rare form today up at my job. Please, I know what I should be doing.........just some hugs and support would help. I have no one and nothing here in 3D anymore.
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#21
Mar 31, 2004, 03:49 AM
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Trish, your support is wonderful, but it can't help me. I feel like I am unraveling these days.
Just don't completely leave me too, okay? 
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#22
Mar 31, 2004, 05:32 AM
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{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
You can always find an endless supply of hugs here. I have faith in you that you can do those things you say you know you should be doing. I've said it before and will again - you are stronger than you know. Wendy  <font color=orange>There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong. </font color=orange>
__________________
“We should always pray for help, but we should always listen for inspiration and impression to proceed in ways different from those we may have thought of.” – John H. Groberg
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#23
Mar 31, 2004, 08:00 AM
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{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Aww hun ...what happened with Alex???? I am sending you and Alex all the positive energy and hugs I have ok? Please know how much we love you. xoxo Heather
__________________
Hugs Heather The secret of abundance is to stop focusing on what you do not have, and shift your consciousness to an appreciation for all that you are and all that you do have. ~~Dr. Wayne Dyer |
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#24
Mar 31, 2004, 08:48 AM
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HIM is what happened, Heather..........HIM and his temper.
::::::::::::crawling back into hole:::::::::::::::::::::::::: xoxoxoxo
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#25
Mar 31, 2004, 09:01 AM
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I will never leave you..
That is a promise I make to you today and yesterday .. and till the day I die.. I will never leave you mary alice.. a promise is somethign I do not make lightly.. ok <font color=blue> Darkness all around Darkness is my freind I will let it overtake me this time Cause I no longer belong....
__________________
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