[monkeybrains21]

I hadn't cut in almost 7yrs then I gave in while extremely depressed and I think the meds stopped working then. That was a few weeks ago. Pdoc upped dose and the depression I thought went away after the higher dose took affect.

My stressors for that time period have also ended. My wedding is over. My first business trip in my new position is done and yet here I am fantasizing about the blade and the rush I'll receive. Thankfully my new marks weren't very deep they will fade to nothing by the end of the yr. yet I sit here craving it!! I want it so bad yet I cannot give in, it would ruin everything I've worked for the last 6yrs. It would also destroy my recent marriage. I don't know what to do. I see Pdoc tomorrow afternoon and yet I always fear if I bring it up she main want to put me in a controlled environment and that's just not possible.

Any suggestions?

[Angelique67]

Have you ever tried a chenille bedspread? Pulling the little threads out (I sometimes pull my hair but I cut in high school too).

[monkeybrains21]

Sounds like a waste of money I don't have. I won't pull my hair out I'd rather SI where not visible. I'm not being a poster child for this disease. I don't strut around flashing my scars. They are all in locations unseen by others. Y would I shift from invisible to saying hey yeah I did this to myself and I don't care who knows or what ppl think of it? I work in a professional atmosphere, I don't even let what little ink I have show, nor do I speak of it. I've also removed all piercings except one in each ear.

[Angelique67]

Maybe when you're not at work you could put all your piercings in. I really have no idea what you can do if you want to slice open your skin.

[nicoleb2]

Wish I had some words of advice for you, but I don't.
I am with you on NOT being a poster child for those that SI. I always SI where nobody is going to see

[Bewilderbeest]

Originally Posted by monkeybrains21

... I cannot give in, it would ruin everything I've worked for the last 6yrs. It would also destroy my recent marriage.

Most people assume this. Sometimes they're right - I won't lie about that. But many times your spouse, who *loves* you, will be more understanding than you think.

I didn't understand SI at all when it plopped on my doorstep, but I'm beginning to understand what a powerful addiction it is.

[monkeybrains21]

See I know my wife understands. She has an SI past as well. Hers was much worse. If I give in it's not fair to her to try so hard and for me to give when she can't cuz she has more of an addiction than I.

[Bewilderbeest]

Originally Posted by monkeybrains21

See I know my wife understands. She has an SI past as well. Hers was much worse. If I give in it's not fair to her to try so hard and for me to give when she can't cuz she has more of an addiction than I.

Ah, I see. I still think she'd understand but perhaps approach it from a "feeling like I *might* slip" perspective?

[monkeybrains21]

We have talked about it and when I slipped up a few weeks ago I told her and we had a discussion. Se pretty much told me I can't give in cuz she can't be around that it would make her lapse back into it.

[puzzclar]

What other things have you used in the last few years? What ever you were doing worked, focus of finding that thing that could work again.