gulp! t might soon know :/

So, I haven't been able to tell this t much about my cutting, but asked her to look and see if she can find it in records from the couples t my wife and I saw in that office last year... I kinda brought it up as I was leaving, and hesitated, but she said she'd look it up since I decided to ask her to do it. Only now it's freaking me out and her stupid voice mail is full so I can't leave her a message not to look for that info. Ugh! It's hugely shameful for me, and I'm totally having second thoughts about it.
I know there's some stuff I need to talk about around it. At first I thought it would be easier if she knew, but now I'm thinking she doesn't need to know and we can talk around it.
I know I have not gotten a negative response from other t's about it (they have all been super careful to hide their disgust, unlike the doctors that found out), but this is freaking me out. She's been awesome about everything else, but... I dunno. I think I want to hide forever now.

Thiswayout, it must have been important for you to tell your t about this, even if you have regrets.
Therapists are people too. What you did in the past is only history. Today is a new day we can live in a new way.
Think about why you told her about this so next time you see her you can explain why you told her. Maybe you just wanted to come clean with her and not have that nagging at you during therapy. Now she knows and you can let that go and so can she.
Maybe she really just wants you to go by that. Maybe you really want to go beyond that.

I tried to leave her a voice mail but her box is full.

It's also a current thing, not a past thing... I think it might be more ok if it was a past thing. I'm not sure how to be ok with this right now.

When is your next appointment? Is it possible to move it to an earlier date.
Some T's will let you email them. Is that possible with your T? You might mention voicemail box full and nice to have alternate means of contacting.

I don't see her again till next Saturday... She doesn't have much availability. And the agency doesn't do emails... I have an alternate number for her (from her other job), but I wasn't given permission to call it outside of that one time last weekend, so I can't use that. I guess if the anxiety gets too bad, I can leave a vm on her supervisor's vm and she could pass it along, but I feel weird doing that...
I think I need to remind myself to keep breathing.

I know how you mean. When it gets to that point I start to count the breaths and then I start to feel a little more in control.

I agree about the breathing/counting. I use it for anxiety, also whn I can't sleep.

It will be okay. It will all be fine.
If you don't feel ready to talk about it, can you just say 'that thing I asked about, actually I don't feel up to it this session'. I'm sure she will respect that. I find it so hard to talk about too, I had to email t and ask her to bring it up. When she did, I was nearly sick with anxiety. But I think it did help...for a while...

phew! She didn't have a chance to look for it, and I was able to ask her not to... One dy I might tell her, but for right now, I'm glad she does not know the specifics.

Sometimes when things don't go well, I try to find another alternative for handling things differently next time.
All the best!