[Daniela0183]

10/22/2014
I guess I’m just here to vent a little and get some things off of my chest. First and foremost, I’ve been a cutter since the age of 12. My body is covered with scars of my past. I’m 31 years old and hadn’t injured myself for 1 year and 7 months. I had a relapse a few days ago, and I feel as though I’m still suffering from lingering thoughts about it. I wrote something a couple of days after that I’d like to share:

The blackness has loomed its presence ever so carefully making certain you weren’t aware of its arrival until it had soaked itself in your soul. The shadow engulfed your being without any chance of escape as there was no warning. A blackness where each day it steals a piece of your soul, and where the only chance of retrieval is the battle ground where you fight the battle of your life, for your life. It’s a blackness where your darkest dreams become the reality you live in. You see the rays of light cascading down as if a savior has come to bare some of the weight of your lifeless core, but you quickly find that it’s all a delusion. The light is untouchable, blocked by a limitless boundary of fear and sadness. The only escape is to bleed out.

I’m not sure what’s going on and why I’m feeling like this. I can’t say that I’m depressed. I have a lot going for me right now and everything seems on the up and up. It could be several small factors that have snowballed into one big thing, but it all seems so trivial. Do I just have horrible stress intolerance? I don’t really feel depressed. I feel that there’s hope, I’m motivated, I’m healthy enough, etc. I just don’t even know what’s going on… it’s very bothersome.

[Browncurtains]

[RedSun]

Daniels, sounds like you could be depressed, although I appreciate that you feel positive about some things. Have you been to your doctor? Or are you seeing a therapist? Feels like you need someone to hold your hand through this.....
Xxx

[Daniela0183]

Originally Posted by Browncurtains

Does this quote mean that you're feeling super crappy too, for no apparent reason? If that's the case, I'm so very sorry. We can always try to work it out together, figure out why, take steps to work it out and move on from it. In fact, that's what I'm in the middle of now. I feel like the more I understand the factor that's causing distress of any kind, the more easily (even though it's still hard as hell sometimes) I can overcome it. For example, I didn't know that I had a history of all kinds of mental health problems in my genes. When I finally did, I knew that I could overcome it, somehow...someway. I've walked the longest hardest road of my life getting to the place I'm at now and it's the most beautiful thing I've discovered. Even then, there are still those certain times when I feel "mind-F'ed" and I don't know why. So..here I am...trying to do what I can to figure it out, learn better coping techniques, growing from it, and hopefully (most certainly) move on.

[Daniela0183]

Originally Posted by Red75

Daniels, sounds like you could be depressed, although I appreciate that you feel positive about some things. Have you been to your doctor? Or are you seeing a therapist? Feels like you need someone to hold your hand through this.....
Xxx

Hey!

Thanks for the reply. I sincerely appreciate it. I may be experiencing some minor depression, but that's almost normal and I've learned how to work through that (so far, so good!) It was just something else that I couldn't really pin-point until a couple of days ago. I know I'll be fine. I haven't been to a therapist or doctor about it. My husband has encouraged me to go lately, as I have in the past, but I just don't think I'll gain much out of seeing a therapist...none around here anyway. Sometimes you just simply need to get some things off of your chest and be heard, so here I am. This, for now, is my therapy. I'm happy to be here, even tho I still find this site very complicated and busy.

Again, thank you so much for your concern and commenting on this thread.