SI urges are strong and struggling to not give in

Hi..

I dont really remember how long its been since I last cut but maybe a good few months or longer? I really don't know, I've stopped keeping track..

but urges are so strong and I dont even know why I am trying to hold off and not do it?

I feel like I have hit rock bottom and I keep trying to talk to people, scream out that I'm not coping right now and I'm not ok but its like no one is hearing me. I guess thats why urges are so strong now maybe? Because maybe if I cut bad enough then people will see me and listen better?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not attention seeking.
Just feel like I need to have something visible to show how I really am right now. which makes no sense cuz its not like I will show anyone anyway or tell anyone for that matter as SI is quite private for me.. but I dont know..

Just needed to get this out. Feel so alone right now

I know how you feel. I'm actually trying to give in to my urges right now myself. Not sure how long its been either, probably a month or two. I haven't wanted to in some time but for some reason it's been really hard to not do it for the past few days.

I also understand wanting to so people can understand just how bad you hurt since talking can never fully express how badly you actually feel inside. Seems weird I know cause I too keep it private.

For me I realized that I do it as a way to externalize the emotional pain I feel. Some how it makes me feel better to have a physical pain to take over the emotional one. It's also a pain I have control over.

I'm trying not to do it because even though it helps in that moment, I always regret it the next day. I've also come to realize that aside from the fleeting pleasure and relief I feel, it ultimately didn't solve anything. In fact it just makes things worse. I'd have to go through the trouble of hiding it and my PsyD would not be happy about it.

Hang in and keep fighting the urges. You can get through it. Have you tried the rubber band or ice cube trick? One or both usually works for most people. Hope you can keep yourself from doing it. I'm right here with you. If I can help in anyway please let me know. Be strong, you can beat this! Hugs.