[mattsnow]

I hadnt done this in a couple months. Im currently at work and about 15 minutes ago, i went to the bathroom and punched myself in the ribs, chest and stomach. I also slapped my face a couple of times. I only do this when im frustrated at something that i believe is my fault. Heres the reason why:

I was talking to my girlfriend via text while at work ( we work together in different areas of the company) and she was telling me how dirty her car was on the inside and how careless weve both become with it. Now i know before she met me her car was always spotless but since weve been together and ive been using it weve both settled on leaving it dirty for longer cleaning and washing later inly to quickly fill it up with clothes and garbage. I know this is my fault because she wasnt like that before she met me and i know i can easily fix it by cleaning more. This seems like nothing but to me its big.

Ive been trying to improve my life. I recently joined a gym and that has helped a lot but every time im reminded of how screwed i am, even with simple things, i tend to talk myself into a sorry state, which then turns to hitting myself so i can punish my behavior and feel something other than pity for myself.

[RedSun]

Matt
Hugs if you want them.
I'm so sorry you feel like this. Are you getting any support, seeing a therapist or anything?
I don't know how things roll in your home, or of it's a big deal to you and your girlfriend, but from where I'm standing, some things are more important and valuable than a clean car. And you're one of them

Hello mattsnow: I would suggest this is something you should be talking with a therapist about. From my perspective this is a symptom of some deep-seated self hatred that stems from something, presumably in your past. The only way you're likely to get past this is to figure out where it's coming from & what it's about.

The other concern I would have is that, at least from my experience, this type of thing tends to become more serious as time goes by. At one time, I used to do the kinds of things you describe in your post. I never really thought too much about it. Now I have a history of two major suicide attempts & some permanent physical problems related to more serious self-harm activities I took up as time went by. Don't do likewise. Deal with this now while it's still relatively harmless.

[mattsnow]

Thanks. I need to seek help. Its punching and slapping now but a few years ago i used to work as an electrician at a factory and used to carry all sorts of sharp blades. I was in a really bad place at the moment. one day i accidentally cut myself stripping a wire. The next day i did it on purpose which kept escalating.. This has stopped but i still do other things to hurt myself or even deny myself things i want to do.

I dont like this. I dont ever talk about this with anyone except for my girlfriend and her way of dealing with me is making threatening comments about how she doesnt want me to hit myself and that she doesnt want me to carry my depression throughout the relationship, depressing her too or that i dont really need therapy because my problems are simple and i just need to learn how to deal with them. The problem is i agree with her most of the time because i feel all my issues and problems, small or big, are my fault.

[RedSun]

Matt, I don't agree with your girlfriend. I think you do need therapy, you deserve to have help and treatment for your depression.
And I bet your issues are not all your fault. I bet you a lemon meringue ice cream.
Please find some help and support, and allow yourself to be well. Xxxx

[Fuzzybear]