[HALLIEBETH87]

I gave in. I'm a failure. It's been weeks maybe months since I cut. I've had two days of sad, angry annoyed mood. I've taken klonopin last two nights and makes me zombies but not having panic attacks! Still I gave in last two days. Nothing bad at all. I this it's situational but I see pdoc next week and she will say I crashed to bipolar depression. I'm on vacation in Fl and I don't want to do anything except be alone.

I hate this

[kaliope]

we all have slips from time to time. that does not mean we are failures. just that we were overwhelmed and didn't know how to cope. you just have to work on building more positive coping mechanisms in your life and it sounds like finding more appropriate meds to address your bipolar cycles. take care.

[smmath]

Do you think that doing the opposite of what your mind tells you you want will help? Like if you want to be alone, then maybe get out of the house?

I'm sorry you hurt yourself. It is a hard thing to deal with, but you've got this.

Hugs

[HALLIEBETH87]

I'm mad at me just I do it again! I want to go home

[HALLIEBETH87]

I can't stop

[HALLIEBETH87]

I'm a screw up!

[smmath]

You're not a screw up. You made a mistake. You are not your mistakes.

I'm sorry you hurt yourself, but that does not make you a bad person even if it may feel like it. What triggered you? Is there anything we can do to help you?

[HALLIEBETH87]

I have had an unprecitable last week! Im full of of anger and nastiness. I keep getting SO anxious and on edge. Ive even had weird random fleeting suicidal thoughts. I cant quit cutting. Im eating again...but I still just wana be alone.

I see pdoc Tuesday and don't want to see her like this.

[smmath]

Why don't you want to see your pdoc like that? Are you worried about what she will think of you?

[HALLIEBETH87]

Yea.....

And idk why I am having weird suicide ideation but I'm not suicidal...

Just scared

[smmath]

Can you call your pdoc and tell her about your fears? Maybe she can help you to relax some.

[katelyn1019]

The way I think of relapsing is, when babies are learning to walk they fall a few times right? We are a baby. We'll trip and fall but in the end we will be able to walk without a problem.

[mattsnow]

Do not be afraid to show her how you really feel. That is the only way the doctor can help you. Everyone has ups or downs but do not let that bring you all the way down.

[seesaw]

I understand how you feel, Hallie. I've had bad depression the past 2 weeks, but didn't feel like cutting. New meds, depression is lifting, but then I get triggered by the idea of going back to work, and it's like I should be proud of myself for doing better and pulling myself out of the depression, but, in the end, the anxiety, the idea of going back to work and having emotional outbursts and flashbacks and dealing with this same pain over and over each day....and all of a sudden there's a razor in my hand and blood on my face.

And I know there are other options. But I choose this one. I know I have the power to stop. But I choose not to. And I hate myself for it. Because it just feeds the trauma and the cycle.

(Huggs)

Seesaw

[brwneydgrl2992]

Hugs to everyone <3 If anyone ever needs support, please PM me.

[Little Jay]