So the truth is that I used to cut myself.

I've never talked about my past cutting here on PC before.
In fact, I don't recall ever even visiting this forum until now. Anyway...

I started cutting in 2010 and continued up until about a year ago - with a couple month-or so-long breaks in between when parents found out and took my blades and made me stop. (Of course, I’d only just get more blades and start again, I never really quit for very long.) But anyway, this past year has been my longest cut-free period ever since I started.

I am trying very, very hard not to go back to cutting because…well, I don’t know exactly why. But recently it seems like life has been getting worse and worse for me since I stopped a year ago. So many awful things have happened and now my days are mainly gray and uneventful. I am honestly at my lowest-ever point, mentally. So cutting is beginning to look very tempting again.

I’m trying trying trying not to give in…

but some days I just can’t help thinking “Might as well go back.”

I still have the blades - I never did throw them out, like I should have.

I could actually go cut right now. I have the freedom, and my parents probably wouldn’t even care to notice anyway, not like they would’ve a couple years ago. Now they’re so involved in their own selves, they’d rather overlook anything that doesn’t concern them or alcohol (like the fact that I am severely depressed and only getting worse).

I’m trying to resist the urge, but…

I don’t know.

I doubt I can stay away for very much longer.

(Also, no, I don't have a therapist, no, I'm not on any meds, and no, I can't do either of these things at the moment.)

[jelly-bean]

I don't know what troubles are causing you to want to cut yourself but I am proud of you for going as king as you have so far. I hope that you can continue to keep from injuring yourself. I also think that you really need to get rid of the blades and make a promise to yourself not to get any more. I know too that that is easier said than done. See if you can find something that is very important to you that will take your mind off of the wanting to cut. Good Luck!

[kaliope]

cutting would just be a loss of a hard won accomplishment that i am sure you have fought hard to achieve. even though nobody probably notices that you stopped cutting and there will be no celebration to mark its one year anniversary I know how difficult a road it is to remain cut free. i commend you on doing such a great job and i hope you recognize how hard you have fought to get here. so in seeing this, you can make it past this stumbling block. you are at an age that comes with great change. it is natural to struggle with your emotions. find people to talk to. if you cant talk to your parents about how you feel, talk to a school counselor, an aunt or uncle, a teacher, a pastor. some trusted adult. get those feelings out. dont let them twist you up inside. take care of you.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by jelly-bean

I don't know what troubles are causing you to want to cut yourself but I am proud of you for going as king as you have so far. I hope that you can continue to keep from injuring yourself. I also think that you really need to get rid of the blades and make a promise to yourself not to get any more. I know too that that is easier said than done. See if you can find something that is very important to you that will take your mind off of the wanting to cut. Good Luck!

Well, the main troubles are depression, which has recently been getting steadily worse in the past two months. My parents are alcoholics and every evening they drink and argue. In October, an incident happened. My dad cheated on my mom with my mom's sister - and ever since this happened it's all been downhill. I became my mom's "rock". She'd cry on my shoulder and vent to me and I just let her because she didn't have anyone else. But it's been draining, especially since I have no "rock" of my own, and no support IRL. Now every night they fight about it.

I have lost a lot of people because of this incident - one, my aunt for doing what she did and then lying to people about it (trying to say it was all my mom's fault) - two, my dad for doing what he did - three, my 5-year-old cousin who I love dearly, but will never see again because of now being estranged from my aunt (I'm still in mourning over it.) - four, my older sister because she believes my aunt's lies (and what's worse is that we used to be so close and talk about everything, and now we never talk anymore.)

So in the span of two months my life has gone from not-great-but-dealing-with-it to ****** and wanting to die. Each day is as gray as the last, each day is the same and nothing ever changes. I'm dead inside and can't seems to make myself feel anything but numb depression, which is where the wanting to cut again comes in. I know I should dispose of the blades. But I'm afraid to approach them, because I fear that instead of throwing them away, I'll roll up my sleeve and...and then I would just keep them instead. That's what I'm trying to avoid...

I really don't trust myself because I know that any "promise" I make to myself I will end up breaking. Promises mean nothing to me anymore, I've had so many promises made to me and broken over the years that the word "promise" holds no weight with me. As for the finding something important to keep me from cutting, nothing is really important to me. I have no specific person in my life to stop for anymore, like a boyfriend or best friend. I have no reason not to go back. It wouldn't hurt anyone. As I said, nobody would even notice...

Originally Posted by kaliope

cutting would just be a loss of a hard won accomplishment that i am sure you have fought hard to achieve. even though nobody probably notices that you stopped cutting and there will be no celebration to mark its one year anniversary I know how difficult a road it is to remain cut free. i commend you on doing such a great job and i hope you recognize how hard you have fought to get here. so in seeing this, you can make it past this stumbling block. you are at an age that comes with great change. it is natural to struggle with your emotions. find people to talk to. if you cant talk to your parents about how you feel, talk to a school counselor, an aunt or uncle, a teacher, a pastor. some trusted adult. get those feelings out. dont let them twist you up inside. take care of you.

It doesn't feel like much of an accomplishment anymore. It feels like a weight on my shoulders that I just want to be free of. You are right when you say that no one will notice, there will certainly be no "celebration", as you say. Nobody cares. That's why I feel so tempted to go back - nobody notices or cares that I've remained cut-free for so long, therefore, no one would notice or care if I went back - I might as well! I really don't want to, but I know of no other way to pull myself out of this numb depression. I can't get a therapist or meds, and there is really nothing else available to me. There is literally no one I can talk to, no trusted adults in my life. At all. I am completely alone.

[Just keep swimming]

OK, sorry for all the advice I'm about to give. Feel free to ignore all the ideas.

1) Get a pet. My mom got a dog when she was really depressed once and all though she felt bad about not taking care of it as well as she wanted to, she did talk to it and it kept her company and kept her connected because she had to feed it, etc. A dog's kind of a bundle, but maybe a hamster? A bird? Not a fish because they just seem to die on me.

2) Do research on these forums. Find out who gives the replies that you find most helpful, who you wish was your friend and keep in touch with them daily. Or start posting on a "how are you doing today thread" and get to know the people who regularly post on that. Then post like heck. Stay connected.

3) Raise a fuss in your family. It sounds like maybe everyone is in their own weird patterns in order to get through this crisis. You need adult help, but it feels like there's no one to help. I know you love your mom, but you can't absorb everything. No wonder you're numb and for me, that's what makes me SI. So before you decide to hurt yourself, raise a fuss and scream, "I need help. I need a therapist. Wake up you guys, pay attention, I am so hurting and I'm tired. " Your parents would probably welcome the distraction. Show them your posts. You're allowed to demand help. You know you need it. (Or just tell them you decided you need a little dog.)

Cutting won't do anything to help things get better. There are other ways to feel. See the stickys at the top of this forum.

Disclaimer: these are things that I need to hear myself because I have been thinking of SIing myself (it's been a long while since I've cut), so I need to think about what I need to do. I told my T that she could trust that I would take care good care of myself over this long break between our appts. I need to follow through with that.

[Blue_Bird]

"Nobody notices or cares that I've remained cut-free for so long"

We do! Congratulations, that's a major achievement Sometimes we don't have people to take notice of our accomplishments in life but we have to pat ourselves on the back and acknowledge a good job done.

I know from this post and previous posts you've said you couldn't get meds or therapy because of transportation I believe if I recall correctly? It would really be beneficial to you. Get in contact with a clinic that offers free to sliding scale options and explain your situation to them, tell them you need a case manager. They can bring you to appointments and help you pay for your meds. If you were to get on meds it would likely be an antidepressant which usually are about 4 dollars generic at the pharmacy.

(I know this post isn't about suicide but felt like this should be mentioned) If things get even worse and you feel like taking your life call a suicide hotline, tell them what's going on. They will send police and an ambulance to your door, and mind you it's not the most pleasant experience but it will get you to a hospital with a doctor and therapy where they can monitor you and make med adjustments and they usually always help you follow up with outpatient care, even if you tell them it's not available to you a social worker will be there to help you and make sure you get your meds when you get out and therapy.

Cutting will not help, it will not change the situation you're in. Developing coping skills will help, positive ones. There are self help techniques all over the web for free and if you have the money you can order a self help workbook for depression. I know it's hard but you have got to hang in there, please keep us updated. Stay safe and if you ever need to talk feel free to pm me.

[healingme4me]

Being a child of dysfunction isn't the easiest to overcome. Many pains and memories will remain. I found cutting, was a way of bringing to the surface the pain, I was feeling. Hindsight, it's self punishment, and misdirected anger.
Are they even in couples counseling? You aren't your mom's therapist. Though you do love her. I forget the name of a book pertaining to this effect, when a parent crosses the emotional boundaries. Maybe someone else here knows of it. I think it's been brought up in either relationships and communication or adult children forum(something to consider looking into).

I recently heard of cutting being compared to taking drugs or drinking, in it's an 'escapism' choice. Think it was somewhere here, worth searching around the forums.


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i care that you were cut free for so long. its a massive achievement - be proud of that.

i really think that you need proper treatment; medication and therapy. im not sure if thats what you want to here. but if you are severely depressed, thats the only way.

Originally Posted by 8888an8888

i care that you were cut free for so long. its a massive achievement - be proud of that.

i really think that you need proper treatment; medication and therapy. im not sure if thats what you want to here. but if you are severely depressed, thats the only way.

I can't get therapy and meds - no transportation. It is really hopeless.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

I can't get therapy and meds - no transportation. It is really hopeless.

Do you know anyone who has a car? I agree with the other poster who said it's time for you to shout that you need help, and that your parents might find that a welcome distraction.

Originally Posted by Angelique67

Do you know anyone who has a car? I agree with the other poster who said it's time for you to shout that you need help, and that your parents might find that a welcome distraction.

No, I don't know anyone else with a car who would be willing to chauffeur me around. It would be too much of a bother.

I'd 'shout for help' but I have already done that several times in the past and have always been ignored. It's not going to work if I do it again.

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

I can't get therapy and meds - no transportation. It is really hopeless.

I feel that the urges to cut never go away, but it is how you manage those urges. It sounds to me that you do want help, but you need to fight hard & dig deep and find a way to get that help. You have been given some really good advice by those above & you need to find a way. It is awesome that you have been cut free for a year, which shows that you do have inner strength. If you want help badly enough, you will find a way. Don't give up, stay strong & I wish you lick.

[avlady]

Congradulations for making it this far,i hope you can be positive from now on, with every thing thats going on. I am proud of you

[Just keep swimming]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

I can't get therapy and meds - no transportation. It is really hopeless.

Well, you do have PC. Thank goodness. That way you're not totally alone.

What do you do when you have to go to the doctor because you're sick? Can you get a ride from your parents?

My regular doctor was the first person I talked to about being really depressed. I went to a check up and lied and said everything was OK. Then I had to call back for another appointment the next day because I couldn't stop crying and I couldn't do anything else and it hurt so bad. I felt like he would look at me and think I was silly for not being honest. But instead, he knew exactly what was up when I saw him the next day and I admitted I had been thinking dark thoughts. He prescribed some meds and I felt such a relief that things would get better.

I had a friend that pretty much lost the ability to function for a while. A couple of times it got so bad she had to go to the hospital. Anyhow, she lost the ability to drive and her parents had to drive her to therapy and the doctors. Could you ever see your parents doing that? What would it take for them to do that? Could you talk to them before it get's that bad? Do they know how bad it is for you?

what about a crisis hotline? psych clinic? do you have a pdoc?

Originally Posted by Just keep swimming

Well, you do have PC. Thank goodness. That way you're not totally alone.

What do you do when you have to go to the doctor because you're sick? Can you get a ride from your parents?

My regular doctor was the first person I talked to about being really depressed. I went to a check up and lied and said everything was OK. Then I had to call back for another appointment the next day because I couldn't stop crying and I couldn't do anything else and it hurt so bad. I felt like he would look at me and think I was silly for not being honest. But instead, he knew exactly what was up when I saw him the next day and I admitted I had been thinking dark thoughts. He prescribed some meds and I felt such a relief that things would get better.

I had a friend that pretty much lost the ability to function for a while. A couple of times it got so bad she had to go to the hospital. Anyhow, she lost the ability to drive and her parents had to drive her to therapy and the doctors. Could you ever see your parents doing that? What would it take for them to do that? Could you talk to them before it get's that bad? Do they know how bad it is for you?

I just never go to the doctor. I hardly ever get truly sick, so it works out for them.

My parents also don't have a car, can't take me anywhere.

It'll take something drastic, probably, to get them to react. But I don't wanna cause a scene. God knows we've already has enough trauma...

Originally Posted by 8888an8888

what about a crisis hotline? psych clinic? do you have a pdoc?

Can't call crisis hotline, no phone. I'd have to borrow the family cell and be at risk of parents finding out. I don't want anyone to know if I call a place like that. Besides I don't want to tell them about my suicidal thoughts, and have them overreact and put me somewhere.

I don't have any kind of doctor.

I don't know about psych clinic... I don't think there's one in town.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

I just never go to the doctor. I hardly ever get truly sick, so it works out for them.

My parents also don't have a car, can't take me anywhere.

It'll take something drastic, probably, to get them to react. But I don't wanna cause a scene. God knows we've already has enough trauma...


Can't call crisis hotline, no phone. I'd have to borrow the family cell and be at risk of parents finding out. I don't want anyone to know if I call a place like that. Besides I don't want to tell them about my suicidal thoughts, and have them overreact and put me somewhere.

I don't have any kind of doctor.

I don't know about psych clinic... I don't think there's one in town.

You could get a cheap flip phone for $5 or $10 and put it on H2O paygo for about $10/90 days. You'll need a phone when you get a job. Not that I mean to sound flip, I'm probably a lot more optimistic about your future and life than you are. I don't know what else to suggest other than using the computer to look for clinics in your area. It's important that you go.

Originally Posted by Angelique67

You could get a cheap flip phone for $5 or $10 and put it on H2O paygo for about $10/90 days. You'll need a phone when you get a job. Not that I mean to sound flip, I'm probably a lot more optimistic about your future and life than you are. I don't know what else to suggest other than using the computer to look for clinics in your area. It's important that you go.

That's the thing though; I am completely broke and cannot buy a phone, even though I want to. Parents took all my money to drink with and now won't pay me back.

I'm going to go online and look for clinics, but I don't see how I'll be able to get to one without transportation.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

That's the thing though; I am completely broke and cannot buy a phone, even though I want to. Parents took all my money to drink with and now won't pay me back.

I'm going to go online and look for clinics, but I don't see how I'll be able to get to one without transportation.

Call a cab and ask Medicaid to pay it? That sounds weird but where I live there's a free shuttle bus to get to medical appointments. Call around and see. Use the computer to look up resources. You'll be able to get a phone at some point, no need to have it today since you can use the family phone for arrangements you can't do all online.

Originally Posted by Angelique67

Call a cab and ask Medicaid to pay it? That sounds weird but where I live there's a free shuttle bus to get to medical appointments. Call around and see. Use the computer to look up resources. You'll be able to get a phone at some point, no need to have it today since you can use the family phone for arrangements you can't do all online.

Really, there's a thing that does that?! I will definitely have to see if there's anything like that in my town. Oh, I hope... Especially since I looked online and there's no psych clinic in walking distance. There is one in town, but it's waaay out there, like on the edge of town... Maybe not far to drive, but far to walk, especially in the cold.

I also looked up places hiring in my town. Oh, there's a lot to do, it's just that I'm not qualified to do any of it. Very frustrating. -sigh- I guess it will be me walking to the wealthier neighborhoods and knocking on doors asking if anyone needs a babysitter or someone to walk their poodle or something...and even the wealthier neighborhoods are way out there. Right now there isn't even any snow to shovel.

I wonder if, in the meantime, I can keep trying to get through to my parents...you know, so that I might be able to get an inkling of help from them. Because I know I cannot do all this by myself. I hate to even consider this, but...one time I cut my wrist (shallowly, not deep) and showed it to them, and they got me help (from my school counselor at the time, who was lousy, but still). I wonder if it will work again... But that was when they cared. Now I get the impression they don't care so much anymore...

[Angelique67]

They definitely need a wakeup call (your folks). But preferably without SI yourself. Call the clinic and ask if they give taxi vouchers, they do that too in my state.

[Angelique67]

What you should also do is see if you are eligible for Medicaid because there may be a lot of services you qualify for. Again, you can look for the state Medicaid online, or call 611 possibly from a phone.

Originally Posted by Angelique67

They definitely need a wakeup call (your folks). But preferably without SI yourself. Call the clinic and ask if they give taxi vouchers, they do that too in my state.

I agree, they certainly do need a wakeup call. I know SI is not the ideal way to do it, but the truth is that it's likely the only way to get them to take me seriously. My parents don't listen to reasoning or pleading. If I bring up their drinking in conversation, or tell them outright how much it hurts me, they'll mistake this for me judging them. Either that, or they'll reassure me: "We are working on it, blah, blah", and nothing will get done (which is a trick I now know better than to fall for).

Truthfully, the only time they ever took my "problem" seriously was when I harmed myself in some way. Then they freaked out and a big scene was made, with me being forced into giving them the last of my blades and promising them I wouldn't do it again (although I always did). In short, if the damage isn't something they can see, then it's apparently not worth worrying about, to them.

I just wish I could get some help and understanding from the two of them, although I know how futile it would be to try. I know I'll have to have their help with a lot of things. I am not used to doing things on my own and I'm scared I'll only seem stupid because I've lived a sheltered life with no one showing me how to do this and that. I know nothing about doing anything for myself, and even calling the clinic sounds frightening.

I don't think my town has a taxi service (because I never see any taxis around), but it does have buses, I know, because my dad used to ride a bus home from work not long ago. Either way, I'll try to work up the courage to get the number of the clinic and call them. If I can get a good therapist and meds, and rides to and from therapy, I will be elated!

Really, the biggest thing I'm scared of is asking them and being told "No, sorry, we don't have that". If that happens, then it's all over for me as far as getting help goes, unless I want to walk such-and-such miles, in the cold, to and from appointments...

Originally Posted by Angelique67

What you should also do is see if you are eligible for Medicaid because there may be a lot of services you qualify for. Again, you can look for the state Medicaid online, or call 611 possibly from a phone.

I think I already have Medicaid - I don't know. I have a lot of things about my information kept from me. Last month, because of my being 18, I had to go with my mom to the food stamp office in town to sign a paper to "renew" something. I had to be there to sign because of being a legal adult. I am very sure that it was for Medicaid. I was in a terrible fog that day and not able to pay much attention. But I'm sure.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

I agree, they certainly do need a wakeup call. I know SI is not the ideal way to do it, but the truth is that it's likely the only way to get them to take me seriously. My parents don't listen to reasoning or pleading. If I bring up their drinking in conversation, or tell them outright how much it hurts me, they'll mistake this for me judging them. Either that, or they'll reassure me: "We are working on it, blah, blah", and nothing will get done (which is a trick I now know better than to fall for).

Truthfully, the only time they ever took my "problem" seriously was when I harmed myself in some way. Then they freaked out and a big scene was made, with me being forced into giving them the last of my blades and promising them I wouldn't do it again (although I always did). In short, if the damage isn't something they can see, then it's apparently not worth worrying about, to them.

I just wish I could get some help and understanding from the two of them, although I know how futile it would be to try. I know I'll have to have their help with a lot of things. I am not used to doing things on my own and I'm scared I'll only seem stupid because I've lived a sheltered life with no one showing me how to do this and that. I know nothing about doing anything for myself, and even calling the clinic sounds frightening.

I don't think my town has a taxi service (because I never see any taxis around), but it does have buses, I know, because my dad used to ride a bus home from work not long ago. Either way, I'll try to work up the courage to get the number of the clinic and call them. If I can get a good therapist and meds, and rides to and from therapy, I will be elated!

Really, the biggest thing I'm scared of is asking them and being told "No, sorry, we don't have that". If that happens, then it's all over for me as far as getting help goes, unless I want to walk such-and-such miles, in the cold, to and from appointments...


I think I already have Medicaid - I don't know. I have a lot of things about my information kept from me. Last month, because of my being 18, I had to go with my mom to the food stamp office in town to sign a paper to "renew" something. I had to be there to sign because of being a legal adult. I am very sure that it was for Medicaid. I was in a terrible fog that day and not able to pay much attention. But I'm sure.

Well that's good. I hope and pray there will be some transportation for you. Another idea is to barter a ride from a neighbor, in exchange for chores? Or even getting a job nearby (babysitting? Laundry? Etc.) to get some cash to manage. I know it might feel weird, but it's a means to an end, or to moving forward with your life.

I know you don't yet trust your abilities to start doing things, but as you do each thing draw strength and confidence and faith in yourself. You have a lot of strength and intelligence.

Don't SI. See how much of this you can do without needing your parents. Then you don't have to cut yourself to get their attention.