Still feel like suicide would be a relief

..and I feel guilty for feeling like that. I saw a therapist for years and have been working on my issues on my own for so long that I feel like I should be doing better by now. Like I owe it to other people. A close friend once said she'd smack me if I ever told her I was thinking of killing myself. I don't think I want to do that, not really.. But it still feels like it'd be so much easier than living with this pain that no one seems to want to hear about.

I don't think people get how much it affects you when you're unloved by your parents. How much it messes you up and how hard it is to just find yourself behind all the denial and terror. People just say get on with it, we don't get why you're so moody, you've got no reason to be! Your life is what you make it so it's your fault if you're not happy. And when you try to tell them why you are the way you are, they don't want to hear it. They go, 'But your parents did this and this and this for you so surely they must love you, it's obvious, can't you see it!'

Where do people get off telling someone that? When they haven't lived that person's life, when they don't know how the other person feels? Sure, my parents loved me enough for their own gratification, to get what they wanted out of me - not because they realised I was a valuable person in my own right who was worth knowing and who deserved to have her needs met! I feel I'm starting to hate people, how ****ing stupid can they be! Where do they get off telling someone who is pouring their heart out that no, that's not true, what you're feeling isn't true! **** them!!!!! God, I'm angry.. Why can't people just shut their ****ing mouths and LISTEN..

Rant over..

your life is very precious and you are so worth living.