[ThisWayOut]

I'm trying to resist cutting today. I know it's in response to anxiety, but I also know it will make the anxiety go away for a while.
My therapist has been out of the office unexpectedly for thelast three weeks, and I'm thinking there was a misunderstanding thelast session we did have. Tomorrow is our normal session time, but last week I was vague with the receptionist so I'm not sure if I'm scheduled (if she is even back).
Flashbacks started up again more intensley this weekend and they are a huge trigger for my sh. :/ I'm not sure I want to not cut. I know all the things I should do to try to avoid it, but it would be so much easier to give in and get relief (even if it's brief). Only, I promised my t that I would call their hotline before cutting... I'm not really in the mood to talk to them about it. I don't want to admit that I just want to do it without trying to avoid it. So I'm not calling them. (I also don't want evidence of how t's absence has thrown me, because it's not about me. I know she is out for her own reasons, only I'm not good at expressing worry. It would end up sounding like I'm way more spoiled and self-absorbed than I actually am)...
I don't know. I want her to be ok and healthy and safe and back. And I want to cut because I worry she isn't any of those things... the cutting makes the worry go away for a while. It stops the anxiety and the flashbacks. It makes things calm. I really want calm in my head.

[Crazy Hitch]

I understand what you are saying ThisWayOut.

Yes.

You are right.

You will get temporary release.

But.

Based on what you have written.

I think that you would feel more guilty in the long run if you did this right now.

I get you don't want to speak to anyone about this.

But you've spoken to us here now.

And I'm listening.

You don't want this evidence, you are right.

Please hang in there.

[Frankbtl]

Hi ThisWayOut, I'm really sorry it's feeling so tough for you, and that the flashbacks are back
But got to say, this: ".........only I'm not good at expressing worry. It would end up sounding like I'm way more spoiled and self-absorbed than I actually am"..........you've never sounded spoiled or self-absorbed on here, and you could tell us a whole lot more, whatever you wanted and you still wouldn't sound spoiled and self-absorbed!!!
So please try not to worry how you might sound to others. You have had so much to cope with, it's completely understandable that you're struggling, that you need support.
And T's absence throwing you........well that's completely understandable too, and while it isn't all about you as you say, reality is that it is effecting you, and that matters.Your feelings/the effects matter just as much as anything else.
She was out of the office unexpectedly, you didn't have much time to prepare yourself for that, you'd already been going through a tough time, you're naturally worried about her, and now her return time is uncertain for you.........so nothing wrong at all in trying the hotline, just to see if they can be there for you after/during all of this.
Sure try other things as far as you can, but nothing wrong in phoning if it might be beneficial.
And: "I'm not sure I want to not cut", from your posts I don't think you do want to cut, do you??
It's perhaps more that sometimes you feel you have no other workable options........nothing else will fill that gap, nothing else is going to fill that need or that need closes you off to other things???
I'm not seeing it as much as a choice in the "Do I...........don't I??" considered sense. But if you could maybe try to find a way to add the hotlines into your armory a little more after you've seen if you could try other things??? I know that really isn't easy for you, but they have sometimes helped in the past, haven't they??
And we're here for you as well!!!
Still, hopefully you've now got to see your T/she's returned??? But you know where we are if you want to talk..........

Alison

[ThisWayOut]

Thanks Hooligan & Alison.
I ended up taking something for anxiety last night and falling asleep. It did the same thing cutting would have.
I did get to see T today, she's back. I don't know what was wrong to keep her out for so much time, but she seems ok now. Phew!
She even offered extra time since we missed so much. After some hesitation & conversation around it, I took it. It will be good too, since I was quite out of it during today's session. I know we talked, I know I left feeling good, but I really don't remember much of what we talked about. At least this way I will be able to check with her again around that.
I hope all that made sense. My vertigo kicked in again today, and it has me very spacey.
Thanks again <3

[Frankbtl]

Hi ThisWayOut, thanks for the up-date!!
Really good on you for finding "alternatives"!! Well done!!!
And great your T's back.......plus extra time!!!

Alison