Was talking a bit about this with my T today... figured I'd expand on the subject.

I have been SI'ing for about 8 years now. I have no aspirations to stop. I am a graduate student of psychology, about to be an intern therapist at an inpatient hospital I still injure. I don't think about the consequences, the scars, or anything. I still injure. I make absolutely no effort to stop. When I feel like injuring I do, if I don't-- then I don't. There are times in which I injure, that the process becomes rather involved-- otherwise, it has become quite casual. A lot of my struggles with SI have come from the lack of concern from others. In turn, I have developed my own lack of concern. This is not a f*** you all, I'm going to SI because I don't give a shi**-type of topic. It is just a topic that I wanted to start so that I may acknowledge how very casual the situation has become for me.

[Christina86]

Fair enough.

Nobody can tell you to stop (like you know) but I offer my ear if you ever want to chat.

[Rapunzel]

Pinksoil, I've felt that way too. SI became one of my main communication methods. No better way to say "I've had enough and can't deal with any more." I didn't care who knew that I cut myself either (sometimes).

I'm about to start my internship soon too, and at least my scars from the last time (last month) are down to light brown lines now, not red anymore. I feel like such a phoney because here I am in training to be a therapist, and I thought I should at least give up my own dysfunctions first, but I've cut several times during my master's program. One professor set up bunch of mouse traps in class that someone had to walk through and have someone guide them through it. I wanted to volunteer, and do it without shoes, and hope they went off on me. Heck, I wanted to roll in the mouse traps. I didn't care if it was in front of everyone. But I didn't.

Ok, so what purpose does SI still serve for you? Communication? Self-validation? Distraction from your real feelings/problems? Does it work? (probably yes, or you wouldn't still be doing it) Can you think of any better ways to get your needs met?

(When I wanted to roll in the mouse traps in front of my class, I really wanted to have the chance to tell them that I had been in crisis for the last month because my brother committed suicide and I also had started a depressive episode about a week before the suicide, but I never had the opportunity to tell them, so most of my classmates, who don't know me well since I just moved here recently, have no idea. I want to be known, and I'm not.) Hmm, maybe a better solution would be for me just to ask for a chance to really introduce myself and tell about what my life has been like lately.

Now it's your turn. I hope this was helpful and not a hijack. I just really do relate to you, Pinksoil.

TC,
Rap

[Lemon]

Pinksoil - I can relate to how you are feeling about SI. Did you explain it to your T the way you did here? I'm curious what his response was.

[mlpHolmes]

Dear Rapunzel,
I am so very sorry over the loss of your brother. And that you were going through a bad time even before that. Your input & insight has helped me significantly & changed more lives on PC than I can imagine Ty. I will keep you in my thoughts & prayers. MP

[Amalthea]

I understand how you feel, pinksoil. I do the same thing.

To be honest, no one has ever noticed in the 6 years I've been doing this. A few years ago I told my best friend about it, b/c she was SI-ing, and eventually was hospitalized for it. I've been able to stop for as long as a year, then I start again. I've never told her I've started again because I knew she'd be hurt by it.

I told my boyfriend about it, and he was really hurt, the way I'm sure your husband is hurt, whether or not he shows it.

Just thought I'd let you know you have someone here to listen.