[dolphinberry]

I am 21 years old, and have been self harming on and off for about 4 years now. I have been through a lot in my past that I don't wish to get into, and it is taking it's toll on me now, even though life isn't bad right now. My memories haunt me, I have horrible dreams several times a week, and sometimes I just feel either numb, or overwhelmingly sad. I am medicated right now for depression, and have been for years, but I no longer am seeing a therapist or anything about it. Sometimes I scare myself by how dark I am. I am not suicidal, though. I have some hope for my future, but getting through the here and now feels near impossible, which is why self harm is such a problem. I have drifted from cutting and have started burning. I did it for the first time about 6 months ago, because I had no blades, and it really cleared my head and helped me to feel something other than sad or nothing. I have only cut once since, but have burned at least 1 time a week, usually more. I have some nasty scars on my stomach from it. I don't know how to even begin to stop. I wont go to counseling, because my dad would find out, since I would need his help affording it. He has been so happy about how 'well' I am doing and I can't bear to crush that, especially when I am not on the verge of suicide or anything. Counseling has never helped me anyway. I need tips or something from someone who knows from experience on how to safely clear my head of the horrible memories and sadness, and how to deal when stressful things happen now on top of it all.

Please don't call me crazy, or anything! I know I am mentally unwell, and I am really trying to get better. I am good at faking it throughout the day, even though it wears me out. I know others have it worse, and I at least am able to bring myself out of bed in the mornings. I'm still not okay, though, and don't know if I ever really can be.

[grey_aj]

You said you're 21; are you in college? (I am near your age too) If so, there might be more resources on your campus than you think--anonymous helplines, student groups dedicated to mental health awareness, etc. These are some things that several universities have.

Either way, as difficult as this sounds, try opening up to someone you really trust... or even someone you may not know that well but who seems like a caring, nonjudgmental person. Who knows, maybe that person will open up back to you, and even if they're not going through self-harm but something else, it's always good to have a buddy who can empathize and look out for you.

I'm sorry if that wasn't as helpful or comforting as I intended--I'm very very exhausted and it's quite late here--but I just wanted you to know that I can relate to you, you're not alone, and I wanted to reply you back as soon as I could. Excuse any incoherence; but bottom line is you're in my thoughts! (and prayers if I were religious but I'm not really so mainly thoughts )

- AJ

For me quitting was as simple as deciding to quit and then promising my T I wouldn't do it anymore (I never lie or break a promise if I can help it). Now when the urges get bad I take a red marker and write words on my skin, which relieves a little and so far that's been enough.

Too bad you can't see a therapist at the moment. A therapist is someone you can be honest with - and it sounds like you don't really have someone like that at the moment.

Also something you can do is make a safety plan. You write down what you can do when the urges get bad. You can also make an agreement with yourself (for example) that you try at least 3 of the things in your safety plan for 15 minutes each and if you still have the urges, you're allowed to SI.

I hope you find something that helps you.

[FallingTears]

Hi dolphinberry

Alas, there is no magic way to stop. Wanting to is a good start though. The suggestions of speaking to a phone counsellor or helpline seem like a good plan if you dont want yr dad to know...

I don't find the writing on myself in red helpful because I burn myself also! I think it would be more useful if I cut, but it might help you. I suppose it depends what yr trying to achieve when u burn yourself.

A phone counsellor suggested to me that running is a good idea as, if u push yourself hard you can get the burn from lactic acid rather than Fire.. You could try that...

888an888 on pysch central has suggested before that other people "think of yr body as a baby. You wouldn't burn a baby so why burn yourself." That might help.

Could u tell ur dad ur feeling better BUT you wouldnt mind seeing someone? I know you haven't experienced good therapy yet but it does exist. I'd want to help my kids if they were suffering like you are. It might be better now than if the burning gets worse and u get to a point where u just can't hide it from yr dad. Your stomach can only take so much scarring...

I hope you find a way to stop soon.

Good luck

FT

[Fuzzybear]