The View of a Years-Clean Self-Harmer

Trigger-free with a focus my perspective having been clean for approximately 5-7 years.

Introduction...

This will be long, and this will be honest. I won't lie to you, or sprinkle sugar over everything, but I will say it how I see it.

Unfortunately, this will likely get overlooked - if there's one thing I remember most, it's the stubborness - the "fog".

The support cycle...

First and foremost, while it's possible for some people to fight it yourself, it's not necessary, and better off to simply seek professional help. Where self-harm issues are concerned, these sites are brilliant, but can be too much, even damaging, if you're not careful; I realise this will probably be contraversial, but it is true, and important to note. Thing is, it's too easy to look over depressing, triggering posts and feel sorry for yourself, then get stuck in that spiral of:

Feel depressed > get urge > SH > go on [site] for "support" > talk about SH and drown in self-hatred and defeatism > RINSE & REPEAT

Sure, YMMV, but that's how it was for me, and I've the same pattern in a LOT of other people. Ever self-harmed, gone on a site to talk about it, then felt the urge again? Yep, there's the red flag, guys; note it and learn from it. Contradict all that pent up negativity with something fun, funny, and otherwise entertaining, not yet more misery - you're miserable enough as it is, most likely.

Don't get me wrong, these sites are fantastic for that initial, all-important support, for making likeminded friends, for advice, for resources, etc, but make it a habitual, almost obsessive, cyclative thing, and it can get damaging for some people. (like a lot of things, TBF)

Back in the day, I would honestly follow the above, and end up in a right mess, when really, all I had to do, difficult as it was to see, was NOT talk about it, NOT think about it, because, putting it bluntly, I was too fuzzy and miserable to think and feel straight, so it was best to just go with the classic relaxation and distraction techniques, THEN talk about it when I wasn't so emotional and fuzzy. It may be that you work better by talking about it, but think about it, take past experience and look for a pattern.

Being purposeful...

A lot has happened over the years.

• I moved out, now awaiting a flat (apartment?) of my own.
• I got back into fitness, helping to kick depression in the bum.
• I got heavily into German.
• I started doing challenges to get outta my comfort zone more.
• I went into CBT for my OCD and got a lil help for my anxiety, too.
• I went to an OCD support group a couple of times.
• I started working on my body-language, learning about it, so I could better understand myself and others, as well as to look and feel more confident.
• I'm working with my support worker - learning some life skills I missed because of my mental health issues over the years.
• I've been getting out and about more, not just for fitness, but because it's rewarding to feel more free. Walking towns away, up to 15 miles away from home, just to visit a friend.
• Started clean eating, focusing on my diet as part of fitness. Healthier body, healthier mind; you've heard it before, but, in most cases, it does actually help, believe it or not.

And probably more. For once in my life, I started focusing on myself in a more positive, functional way.

I saw a video a few months back that really helped me; it was insightful. The crux of the video was essentially that men are [male anatomy] and females are [female anatomy] - sound strange? Bare with me - the gist was that the women are receivers and are often drawn to the strong, almost agressive (in a positive way) nature of a male, purposefully charging towards his goals. Not saying I take is a form of religion, but it did get me thinking about how I go about my existance.

So I asked myself: Do I charge? Not really. Do I have goals and aspirations that I'm always working towards? Kinda, but not really. I started thinking in a new way. I started to feel more focused - more goal-orientated. I've always had a habit of costantly focusing on either the now or the back then, but you know what guys? There's a future! Don't get me wrong, I still dilly-dally in the past and stress out about now, but nowhere near as much as I used to.

My point is, guys, do you feel purposeful? Do you have goals? Are you working towards something? Because if not, you're likely feeling empty and, to be frank, unimportant. You are important, and it's about time you showed people what you're made of. You don't have to take over the world, you only have to be the "strongest version of you", to quote a bodybuilder I dig. It doesn't happen overnight, and it will take time, but I believe you can do it.


Confiding in loved ones is important, but...

It's important to consider other people's emotions before dumping everything onto them in one hit. I know, I know, ... "That's harsh!" No, guys, it's reality. We all have feelings. You may underestimate just how much someone cares about you, so when you go telling them what you've been doing to yourself, they may well worry like mad.

I was once in a relationship with someone who was very self-destructive and I can assure you it was incredibly insightful. The cycle I believe that happens is as follows:

SH > discuss it with partner > partner stresses out > feel guilty > SH > RINSE & REPEAT

Once again, YMMV (your mileage may vary, if you're curious ) but this was certainly the case with me, and I believe may well be the case with some other couples.

I'm not saying break up because it's doomed! I'm saying, consider seeking a professional of whom isn't emotionally vested in you. Honestly, I wouldn't recommend being in a relationship if you're having these kinds of problems, because it can be damaging to yourself and the potential partner.

In another relationship, I was also the one doing the damaging, and I believe, perhaps out of frustration, I kick-started an old SH habit of hers; luckily, it was mild and soon stopped, but it could have been worse. It's important to try and see the bigger picture.

I also think it's important to learn to stand on your own two feet. From being in both situations, I was relied on too much, and I relied on someone too much; in both cases, I believe it was unhealthy.

Am I still a self-harmer?

Do I still self harm? No, definitely not! But do I get urges? Sure, just mild and very rare. Back in the day, I remember feeling like it was impossible to quit, and I remember talking to people about it - the common conception was that even if you do quit, you're always going to be a self-harmer, because you're always going to be battling urges.

All I can say is, yes, there are some people that continue to battle urges years down the line, but there are also people who don't even get any urges and have completely left it behind. I don't fall into this category, but I'm damn sure close.

You need to remember that, for some people, self harm is a habit, and like a lot of habits, they can be difficult to break. Long after a smoker quits, they may still get the occasional urge to light up, but are they still a smoker? No, they quit.

Try not to feel defeated by the idea that you may still be left with a residue of urges for years to come, even after quitting, because believe me, it's worth quitting - a huge weight of your shoulders - to have a few urges to do something you can now think rationally and logically about, with sound mind.

Back in the day, if I got an urge, I'd think about it, and think about it, then think about it some more. I'd eventually feel sad, maybe even cry, then it was just a matter of time before I'd do something I couldn't take back. All I had to do was not think about it, but instead accept it, and move on; this is what I have been doing for the years I've been clean.

The fog...

Ah, the fog. This old topic. A few times I've tried to explain this, but it comes down to one simple thing: depression can cloud us to reason; this is why you cannot make someone see "sense", but that it instead has to be "seen" by the individual themselves.

Why is this important? Because it changes everything. Once you understand the fog, that it's there, you can start to push it out of the way. Accept the fog. It's clouding your judgement. Your emotions are awry and you think and feel things that aren't rational.

The amount of times, in the past, that I've given solid advice, only for them to ignore it, just like I did myself. It's the FOG, guys! That accursed fog makes it so damn hard to see reason. I can't tell you how to push past that fog, that's something I believe only you can figure out, but with this information, maybe you can make a start?

In the end...

At the end of the day, you only get one life; do you want to spend that life miserable, or do you want to take steps to pursue a happier, more functional life? Bet I know the answer. Be purposeful, have targets and aspirations, be wary of the fog, be mindful of those around you, seek professional(s), and learn to see past the negativity.

If people like me can do it, so too can you.

Take care, guys.

Thank you, my friend, for such an empowered and insightful post. 5-7 years is huge!!!

Thank you for taking the time to read the thread. Was up late working on it. xD