[Khione]

I wasn't strong enough to keep going. I gave in, self-harmed and now I just want to keep doing it.

I'm not going to tonight, I'm not stupid; I know that if I do and don't have any dressings or tissues, I'll panic and make everything worse.

Me and my boyfriend had a rough night the other night. It was my fault, I know that, I made a mistake and lost his trust. He said he was disappointed and upset but that we could get past it and move on. I believe this and I want to move on, but what he said and the consequence of what I did has gotten to me so badly. I feel worthless and stupid and what I did was selfish and just not okay. I know that and I came to that conclusion - before any of you say that my boyfriend is making me feel this way, he isn't.

I used to self harm, was clean for about a year, all my scars had healed. Everyone I spoke to said it was an addiction and they couldn't 'just' stop, but I did that; I 'just stopped'. But now I understand what people mean by addiction. For the past month I've felt this need to self-harm whenever I felt down or upset or anxious, I didn't because I didn't let those feelings get in. But tonight I gave in and I self-harmed and now I just want to self-harm all the time because for the brief time spent doing it, I felt a little less exhausted and overwhelmed by all of my emotions and feelings.

I'll stop rambling now.

[emanresu11]

Hi Khione,

Just became a member and stumbled across your post.

I, too, self-harmed today for the first time in a few years so I can definitely relate to how you must be feeling.

I don't have any words of wisdom for you but you aren't alone.

Take care

[Khione]

Thank you emanresu11. I appreciate you stopping by and taking your time to comment.

I'm sorry that you were hurting to bad the only option was to self harm. However, be proud of yourself for the time you went without self harm - about a year is a great accomplishment!

[Fizzyo]

Khione well done for your year, I'm trying to give up,but the most I have done is a day or two with absolutely no deliberate pain causing behaviour. I know it'll be a struggle to get clean again but people like you inspire me to keep trying to give it up for the first time. I hope you can break the cycle again, but in the meantime don't beat yourself up about an understandable learned way to cope with the stress you feel.

[puzzclar]

I wish I could say a year but I can't. Just count this as a lapse not a relapse, just keep going. As Dory on Finding Nemo. Just keep swimming

[Fizzyo]

Rooting for you ❤️