relapsed

I was a year and a half clean. Then everything fell apart at my "dream" job (Disney World) because I had a couple of fainting episodes, they pressured me into quitting, and now I'm living at my parents again in suburban hell. Starting while I was still at WDW about a month ago I started cutting again, and I'm still doing it now. I'm just so overwhelmed, upset, guilty, ashamed, etc. etc. I feel like I've failed everyone in every way. My life plan was to work for Disney and now I'm just adrift. I've googled "coping skills" a million times and tried everything but nothing shuts up the negative thoughts like cutting does and all I want to do is make the thoughts stop so I can go to sleep at night (I take klonopin and ambien - prescribed - but that isn't enough to make my mind stop). My therapist doesn't even think I'm depressed because I show "too much motivation". In the week and a half I've been home from Disney I've applied to 20 jobs, had four interviews, and got hired. So to her, because I'm not lying on the couch eating bon bons wallowing in my sorrow all day I'm not depressed. She doesn't seem to grasp the concept that being homeless is a strong motivator. My parents won't let me live here if I don't have a job, and I don't even own a car to stay in if I get kicked out. I just don't know what to do. I don't like cutting, but I don't know what else to do.

I'm sorry you are hurting.

I'm sorry you are struggling so much! It's a tough habit to kick. Good luck with your new job and your efforts to quit. I hope you find support.

Maybe you are manic?

I don't even know how long I went before I just recently started cutting. Let me think, my oldest is 9 and it was just before her that I quit and then I had one day where I cut just once a few years later but that's it. It happens. HUGS

I'm sorry you are struggling so much, and that your T doesn;t seem to "get it"... I ws actually the opposite recently. I was going through all the motions, doing what I needed to, but still just wanting out of my life. I didn't particularly feel sad, but didn;t enjoy anything either. My T pointed out that I was still pretty depressed. :shrugz: Can you talk to your T about it some more, maybe start out by telling her she doesn't seem to understand your struggles?
Congrats on the new job btw. Hope it goes well. I know it is not your dream job, but maybe it can be a good stepping stone to getting back to your dream job? I know you had to quit this time, but maybe you can go back again at another time?