Feel like I can't even harm myself right *trigger*

That probably sounds weird. When I SI it's usually razor blade cuts to my wrist or thigh, they bleed a little but barely at all, like not down my arm and though they do leave a scar, it's not too bad. It's enough to make me feel better and I'm trying not to do bad damage.

Anyways, 3 weeks ago when I went to my pdoc I told him and showed him amongst other things but one thing he said to my husband about my cuts really bothered me.

The doc said my cuts were "superficial" as if to say, don't worry about them, she's not in real danger of hurting herself.

It's been bugging me for 3 weeks. I know I wasn't trying to do deep cuts but it makes me want to just to prove him wrong that I can hurt myself. I feel like I fail at everything, even SI!

Am I being crazy or would that make you feel similarly do you think? How can I get past it?

Hi moonmorgan, it sounds like things are hard for you right now, I'm sorry. So firstly really well done on the restraint you've been showing in "and I'm trying not to do bad damage"
And the comment from your doctor.........do you think, as well, that might have come across to you as dismissive, as if he felt your feelings/what you've been going through is "superficial" too?? But you know that your feelings/what you've been going through are far from "superficial", right?? And your cuts already say that you "hurt", you have nothing to prove
So let's just see that "superficial" as purely medical terminology, hey?? And hopefully he's being a bit more helpful in helping you find a way through this/past the SI??? If not maybe you could push him a bit more on it, you've already done so well in telling him and showing him.
But of course, we're here for you too. So if you want to talk about your feelings, anything leading to or triggering the SI, anything at all.........we're here and maybe we can help.

Alison

Yes, I understand that these words may have sounded dismissive, like "she's not too bad", but I think the relevance may have been not in minimising the distress you describe, but your ability to keep your self safe despite your feelings.

1. Why did he tell your husband anything? Does your husband have that right?
2. In the medical world a superficial cut means it's close to the skin. There are two types of cuts: superficial and deep. Deep ones are close to the bone. However, your pdoc should have used another term. Not everyone knows these terms.

Thanks Alison and Soup. You are right I think that he made me feel like my feelings weren't that bad either. It was in reference to he wasn't too worried about me seriously injuring myself.

Ad Intra..

1) My husband was in the room with me, i let him. Sorry I didn't explain.
2) Yes I know what it means, that's why I felt like I was doing SI wrong, like "oh she just cut little cuts, she doens't have any real problems"

Ok, Sorry if my response sounds rude and mean. Ya, it sounds like his response made you feel like your experience was invalid.

on the one hand, it's kind of 'good' that they are superficial because if not, you'd risk infection, potentially death, and trips to the ER which would probably make the situation worse due to how many medical professionals are towards self harm because many do not understand (or care to try to) and can be quite ignorant with responses too.

but just because they are superficial does not mean you are NOT struggling. after all, you do it because you are struggling, right? so, as much as i understand the comment hurt you, it might help if you can see it in a different perspective while not minimizing your own pain.

i once had a psych nurse in the ER tell me that a lot of people self harm, i wasn't the lowest weight anorexic he had seen, and that a lot of people got depressed and how he was 'just like me.' i was to upset by his response and realized very quickly that i wasn't going to get the help i needed..which i was right, i was sent home. i had gone to the ER because i was in a state of crisis but never did go back after that for mental health reasons because of how that one psych nurse responded to me.

it did cause me to feel like i wasn't worth help but also has since caused me a lot of fear when i get to that point again (years later i still do) because i know it's not a safe place leaving me with no safe place at all.

I've had similar thoughts (not experienced that from a pdoc though). My SI sounds very similar to what you describe. I am in a group program and there are many people there who have just been released from inpatient. I felt so inferior at times, as if I didn't deserve to be in the program because my issues didn't seem as severe. I spoke to my case worker about it and she made me feel much better; but I still kind of freaked out inside when the young girl beside me took off her sweater and I saw her SI scars and new injuries. Lots of mixed emotions there including what you spoke about above. So no, you are not being crazy.

I don't remember exactly what my councillor said to make me feel better or I would share, but you are definitely not alone.

Thanks guys, I haven't been dwelling on it quite as much since I wrote the original one. I think you guys helped.