[dalila]

Does it count if you are asleep? I have done really well at stopping this behavior but woke up two mornings in a row with really bad scratches on my arms. I have been dreaming about cutting again. My dh and I had a disagreement and it seems I took it to heart much more than he did. We had a really good talk about it and I feel better but the urge was strong during our arguement and the dreams have been really vivid again. I haven't done anything while I am awake but it seems that I am acting out the very dreams. Does this count too? And if so how does one stop the dreams?

[Zenobia]

Personally I don't think it should count against your effort in not hurting yourself. I mean it takes practice to learn to control dreams and to put that kind of pressure on a person who is trying to stop something that is already so difficult to stop would be totally unfair. I also don't count when I pick at scabs before I notice I am doing it. If I stop as soon as I notice what I am doing I call it a victory because I noticed and stopped. Unconscious behaviours take time and patience to stop.

How bad are the scratches? Is it something you can just ignore while your subconscious fights its battles? If not maybe you could buy some of those very thin cotton gloves to wear at night.
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft

[dalila]

So far the scratches have not been too bad -- although I drew blood on two. It is really frustrating because I had almost healed all the scabs on my arms.

I was so worried about doing it again last night I barelly slept. As soon as I would fall asleep and start dreaming the panicked part of my brain would jar me back awake. Not fun and not conducive to getting a good rest. sigh.

~D~

[Zenobia]

Definately get the gloves. They are jewelers gloves made of real thin cotton. That way you can have a good nights sleep.
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft

[dalila]

Things built up and I did some clawing last night before I went to sleep. Suddenly I feel like I am debating whether a couple of small cuts might do the job and more neatly or to allow myself to try and work it out this way. At least I didn't draw blood when I was awake and clawing. Sigh, I hate that I hate myself this much.

~d~

[Zenobia]

It is hard to get over the self-hate. I would read books and they would say plithy things like "Change your attitude and life becomes wonderful." I hurt myself quite badly after reading "don't sweat the small stuff." I decide however that I was going to do something about it. I decided that all these people where wrong when they messed with my mind as a child. I decided that I was a creature of the infinate, of god, of mother nature, the cosmos, whatever my source was at the time. And as a child of Goddess I deserved to be treated well. This happened in one silly defining moment when the sun was particularly yellow and I could see God in the leaves of the trees. It was something like 12 years ago. Sigh.

Now I am in love with myself. The Hate is gone. But it took all of that 12 years and I still have pockets of ick that I run across. For me has been a long process and will continue until the day I die. But it is worth it.

What I am saying is that I hope that you will today do one thing that says to yourself that you are a child of the infinate, that a peice of you is divine and you deserve the best. It can be something simple. Eat an orange slowly with the intent that you are nourishing someone special.
Ok, I will shut up now, if I don't I could ramble on forever.
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft

[dalila]

Thank you for this post, I thought about it a lot while I was waiting to see my therapist. I am a bit afraid that I didn't make myself clear enough when I talked about this. She got a kick out of me blaming myself for what I did in my sleep. I started giggling and I am not sure she got that I had been doing it before sleep too. However we spent most of the session on the nightmare and the memory it represented and I haven't had the nightmare since! I haven't had to? hmmm I haven't needed to? Well anyway I have stopped the clawing. What a relief! I can scratch an itch and not dig holes again.

I am working on liking myself more -- it really is hard. One thing that has helped was some time ago during an emdr session my therapist said that those people (who had abused me) had missed "the treasure" that was me. Somehow that nestled right down into my heart and I cling to it still. I am a treasure. And on the days I can't reach that I remember that my therapist thinks I am a treasure and I smile. I think I will stop with that cos I am smiling and don't feel like crying or scowling again.

Dalila