anyone else

for me it's not all the time (i look back later and think, oh, what on earth am i doing to my body) but i've had plenty of times where i've not thought that- rather well done, you harmed yourself. it's an acheevment
anybody else think sometimes.. well, i need to do it- and now i've done, i am proud?

[PinkFlamingo99]

Yes... It's messed up. Sometimes I am proud of how deep/severely I cut. Last time, both my pdoc and psychologist said it was the worst SI cut they had ever seen... And I felt both intendely proud and ashamed.

I read somewhere that it can be a (maladaptive) way of making outselves feel we are strong. I think in a lot of ways this is true for me.

[CrazyLo]

Like said above, I sometimes feel proud of the deep cuts. I'm not sure why.

[LonesomeTonight]

It's probably a little different for me because I hadn't SHed in like 18 years until I did about a month ago. For me, in a way I was ashamed to tell my T, marriage counselor, and p-doc. But then in another sense there was a feeling of...I'm not sure if "pride" is the right word, but almost like, "See, I'm not as strong and resilient as you think I am." Like I think they had this sense that I was doing fairly well, but I tend to hide lots of emotions and thoughts. So this was like, "Here's something I can't hide" (well, it was in a location I could hide, but still). Does that make any sense? Like, it's not like I did it intentionally to prove something. But in having done it, maybe it was more like, "Do you understand how much I'm hurting now?" And when I showed my T and p-doc (didn't show MC, but I think p-doc may have given brief description to him--with my permission), I felt some weird sense of pride that I'd cut more than they'd expected from what I'd said. (like very shallow cuts, but numerous.)

[BadWolfC]

I always cut in patterns. For example: stars, runes, words, things like that. I enjoy it sometimes because it looks beautiful to me... even when actually it isn't. I did it for the first time in 2 years a few days ago because I was really upset, and all I remember thinking was how nice it looked.

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

Yes... It's messed up. Sometimes I am proud of how deep/severely I cut. Last time, both my pdoc and psychologist said it was the worst SI cut they had ever seen... And I felt both intendely proud and ashamed.

I read somewhere that it can be a (maladaptive) way of making outselves feel we are strong. I think in a lot of ways this is true for me.

i've even made jokes about it, (not even funny jokes) and i've laughed

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

i've even made jokes about it, (not even funny jokes) and i've laughed

I do this too. I think it's a further way of disrespecting ourselves. To me disrespect is a whole other element of SI:

Possible trigger:

leAving gaping cuts uncleaned and uncovered, cutting with dirty blades,

just treating myself like I don't matter. Also not taking care of myself in general, verbally abusing myself, etc.

[CrazyLo]

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

I do this too. I think it's a further way of disrespecting ourselves. To me disrespect is a whole other element of SI:

Possible trigger:

leAving gaping cuts uncleaned and uncovered, cutting with dirty blades,

just treating myself like I don't matter. Also not taking care of myself in general, verbally abusing myself, etc.

Ya, I definitely don't care enough about myself

Possible trigger:

to ever clean the wounds. I will cover them until they stop bleeding, and then I leave them uncovered too.

[Fiction95]

Not just you, I remember feeling this a lot when I used to sh. I still feel pride for some of the worse scars I have. But then at the same time I'm deeply ashamed that I do it, but I think that's society making me feel ashamed.

[C2015]

Last year I felt proud of myself for cutting. When I cut myself on Monday for the first time in six months I felt ashamed of myself.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Sometimes I feel like severely harming myself is the only thing I'm proud of.

[i dont matter]

proud?

Been there, done that.

Many people are grossed out when their cat brings home a dead mouse too. But, aren't they similar things??? Something personally proud of. Something that brings joy and satisfaction and you wish to share it with someone you care about.

Just my twisted thoughts. Feel free to disagree.