[ScientiaOmnisEst]

At least the thinking is. I feel like I'm about to try to document myself going in the opposite direction of people on here. I've been tempted several times to ask for ideas of how to hurt and punish myself (I actually tried looking up self-punishment ideas, but all I got were a bunch of BDSM sites. Granted, many of the ideas there would feel like genuine torture for me, which is the aim, but they require another person).

All I see in myself is failure and inadequacy, all deserving of punishment, especially the things I can fix but won't. This all got set off tonight after reading about fasting, right after failing miserably in attempting a new eating plan that would amount to starving myself (a perfect mix of punishment and necessary weight loss). But I ****ed it up, because I'm a weak, pathetic, useless piece of **** who deserves to die horribly. I don't deserve food but I'm too much of an undisciplined filth to keep from stuffing my face at every opportunity. Okay, now that that's out...

I know I've mentioned before feeling guilt about other people suffering - I simply don't deserve to be treated as well as I have been in life. The fact that I can't see a fictional person get hurt by someone else without wanting someone to do that to me....of course, the problem is the other person would need to be invested in it. I've thought before about hiring someone to beat the **** out of me, or even non-lethally torture me, to give these feelings some kind of legitimacy. Apparently that's illegal though. So I keep with stuff I can do. I've tried a few times to do the cold shower challenge (5 minutes minimum a day under the coldest water you can get for 30 days), and now I'm trying once more, in the winter on purpose, and I'll even tell myself that the pain and numbness from standing directly under it is making me stronger, or is penance for being what I am.

I find myself thinking about ways to hurt myself more often: I've wondered if I should get into cutting. I made a plan to starve myself that obviously failed. I've similarly planned to subject myself to grueling exercise, or wondered if I could find a trainer who would abuse me. I've contemplated simply beating myself more often, systematizing it with numbers of lashes or as punishment for specific things. It's all in my head now and I want to make it a reality...god I'm a sick freak. I don't even know what's wrong with me, or why I'm getting worse (if you can call it that, seeing as I don't actually do much of anything).

I don't even know what I expect of this post other than letting thoughts out.

[lowinmood]

I can see a lot of self-hatred in you, and I resonate this for myself.

But I also suspect someone may have already abused you in the past, and I also suspect you have taken on board their guilt, I also suspect that you somehow think you deserve to be treated like this.

The truth is you didn't and still don't, and one day, the self-loathing will ease off a bit, and you will learn to love yourself and forgive yourself and one day you'll realise that you deserve to be treated nicely, and you don't deserve to get abused.

Just speculating on what you've said here - sorry if I got it widely wrong.

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Originally Posted by lowinmood

I can see a lot of self-hatred in you, and I resonate this for myself.

But I also suspect someone may have already abused you in the past, and I also suspect you have taken on board their guilt, I also suspect that you somehow think you deserve to be treated like this.

The truth is you didn't and still don't, and one day, the self-loathing will ease off a bit, and you will learn to love yourself and forgive yourself and one day you'll realise that you deserve to be treated nicely, and you don't deserve to get abused.

Just speculating on what you've said here - sorry if I got it widely wrong.

That's the thing though - I've never been abused. And I should have been. It honestly seems sometimes like everyone else in existence was.

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I'm fixated on food and a desire to starve myself. I just found loads of information about how calorie restriction and self-starvation makes you live longer and you're just healthier - but I'm more in it to eat virtually nothing as punishment. And I fail every time. Funny how even thinking about this makes me want to eat to escape it. Or beat the **** out of myself for being so weak and repulsive... Weird how food moves me to such emotions...

[lowinmood]

sorry I got it wrong, I just resonated with your words and I was groomed into thinking I deserved it.

But also it's still a form of self-harm. Self-harm comes in many guises.