Does anyone else hate every second of it

... From buying blades to cleaning up after. I hate it and it hurts, I don't feel any release.

Yet you do it because you feel you "have to" because you deserve it?

Yeah. Actually, that's often part of the reason I don't - because it's such a bother. And because it doesn't help.

How are you, by the way?

Thanks. I'm scared and panicking I'm never going to get better. It's hard to have your face rubbed in just how sick you are, even if you need to hear it. I'm trying not to beat myself up too much, but it's really hard not to get mad at myself for not trying hard enough.

I think you're trying as hard as you're able to.

She keeps mentioning escalating to a higher level of care because she's worried about my safety, and I keep getting freaked out. I keep worrying about ending up with some horrible therapist I hate and feeling more alone.

Or even worse, an intern. Omg.

I understand those fears. Would it be possible to have an intake and/or try it out, and if it doesn't meet your standards, go back to current-T?

I'm so worried about running out of "time" (being referred up, because if you aren't improving they have to eventually since it's free psych hospital therapy, or being discharged for doing better but still not being okay -- although I don't see this happening). It's hard to be patient with myself because I'm afraid. TBH, I think I will end up being referred "up" to the intensive 2 yr program and I'm scared I'll end up hating it/them and lose the support I have.

I think I could go back again after and she keeps telling me she's not planning on leaving the hospital, but it's govt funded so anything could happen really. They have already cut the amount of therapists recently so they're having to refer more people who aren't getting better, or discharge other less severely ill people faster in outpatient psych. Of course I could be worrying about nothing, but there is always that fear. It makes it hard not to be mad at myself. Especially since the one I am seeing says she has only seen cutting as bad as mine once before (in BPD program) and if I do it even once more it would be negligent to not refer me higher, and I know she's only keeping me with her to be nice and because I panic so much when she mentions it.

It's funny because every week she asks to see how my scars are healing. I was wondering why she stopped asking if I cut, but it occurred to me that she's probably checking and thinking she's being subtle. Just for fun this week I'm going to say "oh it's okay, they look just the same as last week," and see if she insists

My scar from the cut I did in August has turned into a giant keloid scar on the underside of my arm from wrist to about an inch below my elbow. It hurts soooo freaking bad. Sometimes it feels like I'm being stabbed. Sometimes it itches. It pulls all day. I'm an idiot.

You're not an idiot--you're just in pain. Please try to take care of yourself. You're worth it (even though you may not believe it).

I hate the guilt

i don't " hate it" in that kind of way.

what i do hate is doing it again, and again, and again. (because once does not make me feel better) so i keep having to do it, and do it