Starting Again

I've started again after almost 4 years. It's not a relapse this time. I've had maybe 4 or 5 relapses since May 2012, but I never counted those as starting again, because my mind and purpose was still on track with stopping. This time it's different. This time I want to again. I'm tired of staying strong. I've been tired of staying strong for some time now, so I just kind of gave up on it.

I'm still not sure how to feel about it. I just recently told someone that I used to cut, just out of the blue, because I felt I needed to tell someone again with the urges and everything. I showed my old, healed scars, and the reaction was positive, but we never brought it up again. That was a few weeks before. I haven't told anybody about starting again yet, and I don't think I'll tell that person.

Some time ago, I wrote on my arm in ballpen, "Please help... but how?" I feel that that captured my situation quite well, because it's like I feel despaired at times but I don't have any real problems. The "how" is really important because I don't know how I can be helped, or if it was another person, how I could help them.

sorry you think you should start again, but also congratulations on going for so long without it (it's a long time, you should always be proud of that!)

why do you think you need this again, and what if anything helps you when you feel like this?

Not sure that can help you, but you might consider trying.

Have you seen the 30 Seconds to Mars music video for 'End Of All Days'.. you might like it

Just did. There's just something mesmerizing about watching action potential jumping from one neuron to the other, and watching blood move. Human body really is amazing.

More to the point - byfnvy, it watching all that stuff helps me to not do it myself. Also, think of all the scars you leave on your beautiful body. Question is - is it worth it? A lifetime of scar memory for a few moments of relief. That is for you to answer

I'm so sorry. I'm in a similar place. It's so hard.

I have gone for 10 months now with no SH, and all of a sudden I'm having terrible urges myself, so I know how you feel. I just keep trying to get through the next five minutes, and staying in the present. Not worrying about if I will SH tomorrow or not, just trying to get through today.

I don't know if that helps.

Seesaw

Hi all,

Checking in again, as I've just cut again yesterday. I do want to say that it's different now than how it was before, I don't feel as bad and I don't cut as much or as often as I used to, so I guess that brings some hope and progress.

For one, there's some fear. After not cutting for so long, it felt more scary to bring the blade to my skin again, though I guess I've gotten over that a bit. Also there's fear of infection now, that I had never even considered when I was younger.

Going so long has helped to control the urges better. I still get sad and emotional maybe about once a month, but it's not tied to self injury anymore. I can be sad without having to hurt myself. When I do cut, it's a conscious choice. I really ask myself, do I want to do this? Sometimes I answer yes, but not as often and it's months in between.

Even feeling depressed feels different now than it did when I was younger. I feel more okay now. I'm not sure how to explain it exactly, it's like I feel that I'll always be okay. Even when I don't feel okay at the moment, I'll still be okay then.